Reasons to consider divorce | SoundVision.com

Reasons to consider divorce

Reasons to consider divorce

The divorce rate in America is one of the highest in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus.

Yes, it's true. Muslims today are divorcing in larger numbers than before. There are clearly problems within families that have not been addressed: dysfunction, miscommunication, and in a number of cases violence and abuse.

But while Muslims are taking this step in larger numbers, what does Islam have to say about it?

The Islamic perspective on divorce

"Divorce is something that is very much discouraged in Islam," explains Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).

"It is called, according to one of the Hadith of the Prophet Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'the most hateful thing that is permissible.'"

This stance discouraging divorce needs to be seen in a balanced way, notes Siddiqi.

"It has to be used very carefully," he says.

What are some legitimate reasons for a couple to consider divorce?

There are definitely valid reasons Muslim men and women can seek divorce.

"One legitimate reason is if there is immoral behavior, unIslamic behavior on the part of a spouse," says Siddiqi. "If a spouse is involved in that, then there is a breakdown."

"For example if one of the spouses, God forbid, is involved in adultery or fornication. In that case, they have a right to separate and this is a legitimate ground for separation."

Another valid reason for divorce is apostasy on the part of either spouse. If a Muslim man or woman's spouse leaves Islam, Siddiqi says the marriage is null and void and the couple can no longer be together.

Abdalla Idris Ali is a member of ISNA's executive body and former president of the organization. He adds to the list of legitimate reasons for seeking divorce dishonesty prior to marriage.

For instance, if a husband told his wife before marriage that he did not consume alcohol or drugs and she discovers after marriage that he is an alcoholic or drug addict.

Some other reasons are:

  • a woman was married before and she did not tell her husband
  • a woman marries man and he is impotent, and she finds out after marriage.
  • cruelty
  • a man's inability or refusal to support his wife
  • a wife's refusal to live with her husband or be with him.
  • if one of the spouses is unable to have conjugal relations
  • one spouse feels repulsion towards the other.

Ali, however, cautions against jumping to divorce quickly and adds that every case has to be looked at individually.

"It is one thing to speak about a ruling. It is another thing to speak about a judgement in a certain case," he says in an interview with Sound Vision and RadioIslam.com.

"If you ask me now, what is the ruling in Islam for a young man who commits Zina (adultery and fornication)? I'll tell you Allah says, give him 100 lashes. This is what the Quran says."

"But you bring me a man and say, this man committed Zina. I'm not going just to give him 100 lashes. This is a case. I have to investigate it, to see whether he did it, you cannot just go and apply the rule."

Illegitimate reasons to seek divorce

Along with legitimate reasons for seeking divorce, Siddiqi and Ali also point to those that are not so acceptable.

Siddiqi gives the example of a husband not liking the way a wife cooks or dresses.

"One should not expect perfection on the part of the spouse because nobody's perfect except Allah and His Messenger. Everybody has shortcomings," he says in an interview with Sound Vision from his home in Orange County, California.

"One should have willingness to sacrifice some of the things," he adds. "This is how the family is established, how it becomes a better family.

Another reason that should not be grounds for divorce is just moodiness on the part of a spouse, says Ali.

What can couples do to avoid divorce?

Siddiqi recommends the following steps to couples who are in difficulty:

1. Both spouses should have the fear of Allah. They should remember that if they are unfair to their spouse, they will be judged on their behavior by Allah.
2. They should try to resolve the problem amongst themselves, then within family members
3. They should not hesitate to involve other members of the community. For instance, they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to meet and speak with their local Imam (if he is someone fair and trustworthy to the husband and the wife).
4. Seek counseling, preferably from a Muslim counselor. If that is not possible than from a non-Muslim counselor. However, they should be aware of Islamic guidelines so they can take advice from that which is in line with Islamic values.

"As physically we can get sick, our relations also can get sick sometimes," says Siddiqi. "The sooner we take care of this problem the better. We should not prolong it. We should resolve the differences as soon as possible and as much as possible. But when problems go on and on, then the wounds will grow."

Siddiqi recommends Muslim couples draft a prenuptial agreement and specify that all conflicts in marriage should be resolved Islamically and in the case of divorce, this process, if it happens, is also handled in a manner in line with Islamic guidelines.

Comments

I slept with my wife before our wedding in Switzerland but we didn't do intercourse. Then two months later we got married in Pakistan. Sh e was doing her PhD in France. After marriage she got pregnant and went to france to continue her PhD. Then in 2016 our son was born but things went south after that. She is struggling to continue her PhD because of child responsibilities. Though I had a nanny for her in Qatar. We have been literally fighting every night from last one year but she shouts on me and also abused me twice. I dont shout on her she says she destroyed my life and career. She doesnt want even to go back to Pakistan to be with my family infact she doesn't miss her parents and siblings in pakistan. She is out of touch from them and tells me not to get in touch with them too. I didnt see my family from last 1 year. Have missed all my vacations and spends it in France with her and then she comes back to Qatar and lives with me with our child. She blames me by saying I am thinking about girls all the time and is crying and shouting whole night from last 6 months now. I try to resolve but its getting worse day by day. She always tell me I am very caring but not thinking about my love. Few nights back she said you were watching pictures of girls on laptop and closed it as soon I saw you and since then she is shouting and blaming me for this. Same way when we go outside she says you were looking to other women. I am fed up from her. Now she has stopped working on her phd in the morning hours watches dramas and tv and in night starting kicking shouting and abusing me around 1 am or 2 am. I am sincere and have no affair with anyone, I work hard in my job. She told me she will never go to pakistan and will never see my family again and our son will only go when he gets older. Please help me solve my situation.

Location

Qatar

Just so you know, this could actually be a psychological disorder or something was triggered hormonely after baby's birth. GOod LUCk. See a counselor with experience.

Location

Usa

Brother trust allah and be strong for your kids. If it affects your kids leave her for a month to see what happens

Location

Uk

Assalam Alaikum Brother,

I hope you are well. I am sorry to read about the difficulties you are currently facing in your marriage. The message below is just my own personal advice to you and does not mean that you have to take it or act upon it. It's up to you to decide what you think would be best for yourself, your wife and most importantly your son.

Based on your story, it looks to me that your wife might have an underlying psychological condition. My advice would be to perhaps take her to a professional psychologist to see if she has a mental illness, for which she can receive counselling, therapy and medication (if needed).

I am married too and I have a son as well. My wife has similar behaviours and qualities like your wife. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after I realised that some of her behaviour during our first year of marriage was odd and not normal. She is currently under medication and due to start therapy soon.

I don't think you should resort to divorce yet brother. Instead, see if you can try to get your wife some psychological support and perhaps after therapy and some treatment, things might improve soon Inshallah. A doctor in France would be best perhaps, as Europe has some of the best doctors for psychological treatment.

Although I can understand more than anyone how it feels like when your wife is always upset, moody, angry or emotional and not appreciating the good things you might be doing as her husband; I don't think she is doing this on purpose. This is why you should perhaps consider taking her to a professional psychologist as they can assess her to see if she has a mental health condition and get both of you the support you need. My wife and I are due to start therapy in a few weeks time and I'm praying that inshallah Allah (S.W.T) will give her the strength and willpower she needs to help her recover.

I hope this message is helpful to you. I will make dua for you, your wife and your son.

Location

London

In Qatar, we dont have good psychiatrist and as long as france is concerned, I don't have enough vacations to do all her therapies there plus she is not willing to go to a therapist as she feels herself insane and mad if she visits hospital for these reasons. Thanks a lot for your kind words dear.

Location

Qatar

first of all i am sorry that you and your wife are having a difficult time. She seems to be feeling out of control in her life and a bit insecure with her relationship with you. Reassure her that you are a loving and supportive husband that will be faithful to her. If you are struggling then seek support because the internet can be tempting and eventually can become an addiction. If she is truly shouting and abusive after trying so hard to be gentle and easy with her. Then you might consider that she might be struggling with a mood disorder that can be treated. Her not wanting to go to Pakistan is her way of having control when she feels out of control. I wish you guys the best inshallah!

Location

chicago

My mother wants to see my 1 year old son, she always tell me to come on skype but I avoided many times because of my wife. My wife also takes some of my jokes seriously and then reminds me of that in shouting way. Its a big shame for me that I am now going to Pakistan without my son & wife telling lies to everyone there that she is busy in studies, she also have two months off. she also have problems with why I support education of my neices and at times supporting my sister financially. I am 100% loyal with her

its just getting depressing day by day. Its hard to find a good pyschatrist here in Qatar to do her therapy she doesnt want to go and see a therapist as she feels I am la-belling her insane.

Location

Qa

NO. Because maybe shes undergoing through emotional pain and depress from not getting the carrer she dream off. Its been a year, you have to understand her but at the same time you have to talk about the emotional pain your also feel about her.. and if not effective try to decipline her too to be far from her without communicating her but u must support them financially ..i dont know if i give the right advice because i was divorce in a wrong reason and i dnt like that it will happen to others because of the simple disspute of relationship . But the best thing you can do is to ask help and pray to God

Assalam Alaikum brother..
I really dont have any idea what can b done to come out of ur marriage issue..As am going through d same condition but little different.. Pls advice wht to be done..its almost 1 yr fr our marriage an i hve cute son..my husband always abuses me an use wrong words while talking an he dnt trust me.He always taunt me an wants to except am wrong..let me share last few yrs bck i was working an was using Face book.after marriage i continued d same..my husband told me he dnt like all this thing..so i stoped...he says dnt talk to ur cousin's..if they visit to our home I should not sit wit him an eat food or not evn serve food...No need of calling to ur relatives to our home if they are men..dnt talk to ur friends (evn girls)...i feel so frustrated some times thinks of suicide.. An shout an scream an cry in front of him to pls understand.. But he dnt..he has 100 questions to ask like were are u..? Wit whom u r..? Actually i always inform him before i do any thing...Frm morning to eving he ll b doing video call to just check out..Our Family is Joint family we all are 15 members..i knw wht to wear an what not..but he shouts infornt of my sister in law an insult me on my dress sense ..an my mom in law stays with us frm morning to evening.. But still he doubts..am fedup of his local abusing language.. An d way he treats me...My parents says adjust an live..my in law says..he is Men an he has all rights..One thing is good about him which makes me to continue this relationship He is Toooo Caring like to care about my health my food wht i like to Eat and helps me cleaning home an cooking...but Rest of things makes me feel to Hate Him...Please Advise what to b done..

Location

india

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