Reasons to consider divorce | SoundVision.com

Reasons to consider divorce

Reasons to consider divorce

The divorce rate in America is one of the highest in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus.

Yes, it's true. Muslims today are divorcing in larger numbers than before. There are clearly problems within families that have not been addressed: dysfunction, miscommunication, and in a number of cases violence and abuse.

But while Muslims are taking this step in larger numbers, what does Islam have to say about it?

The Islamic perspective on divorce

"Divorce is something that is very much discouraged in Islam," explains Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).

"It is called, according to one of the Hadith of the Prophet Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'the most hateful thing that is permissible.'"

This stance discouraging divorce needs to be seen in a balanced way, notes Siddiqi.

"It has to be used very carefully," he says.

What are some legitimate reasons for a couple to consider divorce?

There are definitely valid reasons Muslim men and women can seek divorce.

"One legitimate reason is if there is immoral behavior, unIslamic behavior on the part of a spouse," says Siddiqi. "If a spouse is involved in that, then there is a breakdown."

"For example if one of the spouses, God forbid, is involved in adultery or fornication. In that case, they have a right to separate and this is a legitimate ground for separation."

Another valid reason for divorce is apostasy on the part of either spouse. If a Muslim man or woman's spouse leaves Islam, Siddiqi says the marriage is null and void and the couple can no longer be together.

Abdalla Idris Ali is a member of ISNA's executive body and former president of the organization. He adds to the list of legitimate reasons for seeking divorce dishonesty prior to marriage.

For instance, if a husband told his wife before marriage that he did not consume alcohol or drugs and she discovers after marriage that he is an alcoholic or drug addict.

Some other reasons are:

  • a woman was married before and she did not tell her husband
  • a woman marries man and he is impotent, and she finds out after marriage.
  • cruelty
  • a man's inability or refusal to support his wife
  • a wife's refusal to live with her husband or be with him.
  • if one of the spouses is unable to have conjugal relations
  • one spouse feels repulsion towards the other.

Ali, however, cautions against jumping to divorce quickly and adds that every case has to be looked at individually.

"It is one thing to speak about a ruling. It is another thing to speak about a judgement in a certain case," he says in an interview with Sound Vision and RadioIslam.com.

"If you ask me now, what is the ruling in Islam for a young man who commits Zina (adultery and fornication)? I'll tell you Allah says, give him 100 lashes. This is what the Quran says."

"But you bring me a man and say, this man committed Zina. I'm not going just to give him 100 lashes. This is a case. I have to investigate it, to see whether he did it, you cannot just go and apply the rule."

Illegitimate reasons to seek divorce

Along with legitimate reasons for seeking divorce, Siddiqi and Ali also point to those that are not so acceptable.

Siddiqi gives the example of a husband not liking the way a wife cooks or dresses.

"One should not expect perfection on the part of the spouse because nobody's perfect except Allah and His Messenger. Everybody has shortcomings," he says in an interview with Sound Vision from his home in Orange County, California.

"One should have willingness to sacrifice some of the things," he adds. "This is how the family is established, how it becomes a better family.

Another reason that should not be grounds for divorce is just moodiness on the part of a spouse, says Ali.

What can couples do to avoid divorce?

Siddiqi recommends the following steps to couples who are in difficulty:

1. Both spouses should have the fear of Allah. They should remember that if they are unfair to their spouse, they will be judged on their behavior by Allah.
2. They should try to resolve the problem amongst themselves, then within family members
3. They should not hesitate to involve other members of the community. For instance, they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to meet and speak with their local Imam (if he is someone fair and trustworthy to the husband and the wife).
4. Seek counseling, preferably from a Muslim counselor. If that is not possible than from a non-Muslim counselor. However, they should be aware of Islamic guidelines so they can take advice from that which is in line with Islamic values.

"As physically we can get sick, our relations also can get sick sometimes," says Siddiqi. "The sooner we take care of this problem the better. We should not prolong it. We should resolve the differences as soon as possible and as much as possible. But when problems go on and on, then the wounds will grow."

Siddiqi recommends Muslim couples draft a prenuptial agreement and specify that all conflicts in marriage should be resolved Islamically and in the case of divorce, this process, if it happens, is also handled in a manner in line with Islamic guidelines.

Comments

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London

I m a converted Muslim n been married for 22 yrs with 4 children my husband at first came across very nice man but I didn't know his dark secretive life while he goes to his country cos we r from different country n language barrier he hides everything from me yet after all this yrs I trusted him he always asked me for help financially n tells me to claim benefits as a single mum while he goes bck hme few tmes a yr telling me that he is doing business for us so that we can hv a better lives later which I believe bcos I loved him n too blind in love.. little did I knew that I had a wife n a child bck hme when I ask for money or abt his business he would bcm very aggressive n bgin to shout at me so I didn't asked nor demand for any penny whatever I get from benefits I survived with it till I started to work n he is becoming more n more aggressive n checking on me putting tracker on my car n so on... he used to ask me money whatever I save I pity him n give him all of my saving plus help him every possibly way I could but he is so clever took from me n gave everything we had to his mum n put everything in her name I hv nothing nor he married me legally

Location

London

Asalam-o-alaikum I have been married to a man since 10 months and it was an arranged marriage. I used to talk to my husband before we got married and at that time he told me he got a son from his ex-girlfriend even after knowing this I was totally okay to marry him. We got married in march and I reached to England after 6 months of our marriage. During all this time my husband and I used to talk very less. He usually told me that I am busy this and that but sometimes we talked over phone and we had conversations but he used to tell my everytime that I'm a very stubborn man and this and that but now when I came here and finally i started living with him his behaviour is just like a stranger he hardly speaks to me and we are not even physically very much close and then one day I tried to talk to that what is this going on and then he told me I don't like you as a wife I don't have any attraction in you and I can't think you as a wife. And after I got married I came to know he was even married before to his cousin and he didn't like her at all her mom forced him to marry her so he divorced her because he didn't like her at all and now for me he said I don't have any feelings for you as a wife even though he likes me but now he'l does not want to divorce me and he told me if you want a divorce you can take a decision and plus he didn't tell anyone about this marriage like his family members he didn't tell anyone just his mom dad brother sisters knows about me rest of the people like family friends doesn't know about me at all and he never took me out with him just because people don't see me with him and he is keeping me like a secret wife even if someone visits the house he would tell me to go to your room and don't come infront of them. What should I do ??

Location

England

Mrs. Khan:
I am very sorry to hear of your situation.
My advice would be to contact a Muslim organization that can advise and support you during this time and then contact an experienced attorney (preferably a Muslim attorney) who can then advise you and represent you if necessary.
I wish you peace, happiness and success.

Location

USA

Wailakum salam. You must leave this toxic relationship. When you marry someone, you should be celebrated and appreciated, not hidden, lied to, and unloved. This guy declared he has no feelings or attraction towards you, which is enough reason to leave. He is not affected by you divorcing him so why are you staying with him? Marriage is a sacred relationship that grows stronger with love and loyalty and if you do not have that, it's a failed marriage and that is okay. We need to learn to accept that failed marriages can happen to the best of us and not try to preserve something that is not worth it and not good for your own well being. Do you really want to have a future with this untrustworthy man? You deserve so much better sister. This guy has too many skeletons in the closet and seems like he is having an affair. If I were you, I would divorce him immediately!! If you need more information about him for your own sake, talk to the family members, but after you have already left the residence forever. I would not want him to harm you. These type of guys are a waste of time because they do not really change and time is way too precious to waste. You can also pray for guidance and strength. All the best!

Location

NYC

Asalaam walykam I've been married for 8 years and have tworked kids .my husband in the begining was a good man but barely prays once a week .he hurts my feeling and calls me names says I'm ugly which I'm not and is very jealous ...he keeps saying why I lock the door of the house with both locks and that maybe someone was inside with me .he calls my mother and tells her I'm a bad person .my father past away this year and ever since he has changed and keeps trying to divorce me for no reason and causing so much problems ..plz what shold I do

Leave the toxic relationship. Sometimes the one who is so suspicious is the one cheating. If he loved you, he would never make you feel bad about yourself by insulting you. If he loved you, he wouldnt try to leave you. Speak to a lawyer about divorce before telling your husband intentions and about the custody for your kids. Many lawyers offer free consultations and it's okay to seek information for now. My instincts tell me he is looking for reasons to be with someone else and will blame the failed marriage on you as if you were cheating. You should communicate with your family and friends more often so they know your whereabouts before he tries to sell his story, so they can be your witnesses if ever needed. This is a dark world we live in and we should not waste time with people who make it darker. Find the light while you can sister. It is tough having 2 kids but believe me 2 kids growing up with fighting parents is worse for them and for you. If you think he is a good but just a jealous man, seek help from your family and speak to a marriage counselor. Some mosques or imams may offer that service. However, don't just assume he is innocent. Gather evidence. All the best!

Location

New York

Assalamualaikum, i just got married for 5 months now. Me and my husband married secretly without the knowledge of our family. We are both in college. My husband is a religious guy, so we decided to get married to avoid haram relationship. Our parents is ok with our relationship but they wanted us to get married after college. However, back to the point after 2 months of marrying, my husband which i didnt know was a very angry person. He would be so annoyed to me with small petty things. He would increase his tone and give me an annoyed look. He is a person that easily get stress of small things. Once he get stress up he instead scold me or sometimes blame me for it or pulling a face(grimace/annoyed face). So this little things really saddened me cause when we go out he would usually get angry (again because of small petty things) and having no mood thus causing the atmosphere to change to gloomy and moody. Heres the problem i get sulky and sad and often cried- this however for him is - im giving him more problem because i cried. He instead wants me to console or hug him to cool him down which is usually very impossible as when he gets moody- he would be so annoyed at me. So the things that causing him to get moody are - when im late(even for 5mins), changing of plan( say we want to go from a to c but in between i want to stop for a while at b which is on the way to c and he'll be pissed off), im slow in making house chores, what he plans does not go into action, i forget things about him like him going to cinemas with his friends(this is because we are in long distance relationship and i also have works to do in my house, he was so angry when i forgot he's going out), i cooked his food late, during sex if i got my orgasm late, when he has his own family problem- he will get so angry and later will scold me, if i ask the same question twice or thrice, i have some hearing problem- when i couldnt hear what hes saying. These are the things that he will get mad easily. Ive been asking for divorce twice now because of these problem really making me stressed up and making me loving him less day by day. We had talk before and both of us said that now we love both of us lesser than before. So im so confuse now of what to do. He asked me for some time to change but relly he doeant. He is really generous with apologies but clearly he never stop scolding me. I really feel sad n worthless. I feel that he is constantly critisizing me. What should i do. Is it wise to get out from this relationship before it become to serious. Because i really strting to hate him although i still love him. Please give me some enlightenment cause i dont have anybody to tell it about

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