Valuable advice from "The Ideal Muslim Husband"

An informative video by Sound Vision entitled "The Ideal Muslim Husband" was produced to discuss what Islam has to say about the characteristics of the ideal Muslim husband and his role, responsibilities, and rights in marriage.

Most Muslim men would like to be ideal husbands. And most Muslim women would, no doubt, like to be married to one. But, for some reason, the men are not ideal husbands, and the women will almost surely admit that they didn't marry one. So, why the discrepancy between our sincere aspirations and reality? Is it an inability on the part of the man, an impossible goal; or is it perhaps that we do not even know what an ideal Muslim husband is?

Wrong Concept of an Ideal Husband

A look at the matrimonial section of an Islamic magazine will quickly demonstrate that many Muslim men and women do not know what an ideal Muslim husband is. Muslim men looking for wives advertise themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure. Muslim women appear to be on the lookout for an established professional or more likely a handsome MD. Rarely do Muslim men and women even mention character, religious convictions, and attitudes as a priority. At most, they might be mentioned as a sidebar. It seems that many of us believe that a man is an ideal Muslim husband if he is handsome, makes a lot of money, and comes from an influential family. And the divorce rate among Muslims continues to rise.

Standard of Judging an Ideal Husband

As Muslims, we must base our judgment on what makes an ideal Muslim husband on the guidance of Allah and the example of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, not on the standards of a TV sitcom, the culture in which we were born, or our own materialistic mentality.

Participants on this Video

Using examples from the life of the Prophet, the words of the Holy Quran, and personal experience, a panel of Muslim men and women - Dr. Abdullah Hakim Quick, Dr. Jamal Badawi, Abdallah Idris Ali, Dr. Ingrid Mattison, Khadija Haffagee, Mariam Bhabha, and Abdul Malik Mujahid - talk about the qualities of a Muslim husband and the Muslim family.

Main Contents of this Video

They discuss such matters as a husband taking advice from his wife, communication within the family, the husband's helping the wife in the house, consultation (Shura) within the family, being a good example for the children, overlooking bad qualities in one's wife and focusing on her good qualities, and sharing the responsibility of raising the children.

First Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband: Hot Temper

A major problem in some Muslim marriages unfortunately is the husband's hot temper and harsh behavior. Some even go so far as to abuse their wives. Dr. Quick gives a word of warning to these men who often come from cultures that teach them to be tough and macho. He says that there should be no violence between husband and wife and that Muslim men should not be the kind of tyrannical fathers whose children run away and hide when their father comes home. He says that we have to separate our non-Islamic cultures from Islam. The ideal Muslim husband will base his behavior on Islam, not on his Arab, American, or Pakistani culture.

Second Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband: Egoistic

Another major problem in Muslim marriages is the husband's failure to consider his wife's opinions. In fact, Abdallah Idris Ali says that the failure of the Muslim Ummah as a whole has to do with our failure in practicing the concept of Shura (consultation). People think that they are right and others are wrong, he says. We will do much better if we consider the opinions of others and let them feel that they are a part of the decision-making process. Along the same lines, Dr. Quick points out that if a woman makes a true (haqq) point, the husband should submit to it. He should in no way reject a point just because it comes from a woman. Demonstrating the huge difference between the way the Prophet dealt with his wives and the way Muslim men deal with their wives today, Abdallah Idris Ali tells the story of the time when Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, was sleeping under one cover with his wife Ayesha, and he asked her permission to get up to pray.

Third Characteristic of an Un-Ideal Husband: Unhelpful

The failure to help in the house and to help with the raising of the children are well-known weaknesses of husbands. The video makes it clear that Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, helped in the house, and Abdul Malik Mujahid says that a man cannot be an ideal Muslim husband, or even close to a good husband, if he leaves the responsibility of children completely to the mother. Khadija Haffagee tells the story of a father who took a three-month-old infant to pray with him and after the prayer did the 'tasbih" on the child's hand. This, she said, was training by the father. Dr. Quick warns that when training our children, we should be careful not to raise sons with a double standard where they have no household responsibilities. If we do, they will likely grow up with the attitude that they don't need to do this kind of work - that they are above it.

Prophet: An Ideal Father

As a beautiful example of a healthy father-child relationship, Abdul Malik Mujahid tells the story of how the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, used to stand up for his daughter Fatima, kiss her, and give her his seat when she came to him. This was in an age when people preferred sons and looked down on having daughters. With this simple act, the Prophet showed us how to express love and affection for our children - an essential quality for an ideal Muslim husband.

An Ideal Ex-Husband

Being an ideal Muslim husband, however, goes even farther than the marriage, Dr. Quick points out. Even after a divorce, a Muslim husband must strive to be the best ex-husband. A husband shouldn't be Mr. Kindness in marriage and then treat his wife badly in divorce, Dr. Quick says. He must divorce her in the best manner with good treatment.

Other Valuable Advice

This video goes beyond just talking about an ideal Muslim husband and deals with ways to improve the family. It attempts to prevent many marital problems by advising young people who want to get married. After informing them about what makes an ideal Muslim husband, it cautions them to be concerned about these qualities - not just the material aspects - when considering a prospective spouse.

In fact, what emerges from the video is that being an ideal Muslim husband has very little or nothing to do with the amount of money one has, physical beauty, or the prestige of one's job. Rather, it has to do with one's commitment to Allah, one's knowledge of and willingness to follow the guidance of Allah and the Prophet's example, and one's commitment to do righteousness even in difficult situations. The ideal Muslim husband should be humble, gentle, kind, considerate, caring, loving, open to good advice, willing to cooperate with others in the family rather than dictate rules, helpful in the house, involved in raising the children, and never abusive either physically or mentally.

No doubt, this is a very tall order. Becoming an ideal Muslim husband will certainly not be easy. It will take a jihad against 'jahiliyyah" thinking, selfishness, ego, vanity, anger, pride, and arrogance.

Bottom Line

Full of excellent advice, encouragement, and wisdom, this video should help any Muslim husband to improve. Although there are no guarantees that he will ever become an ideal Muslim husband, it will, InshaAllah, start him on the way.

Comments

asslamo alaikam im muslim from pakistan. im 31 years old .i want marry in canada or uk with muslim religious girl. If interested please respond with full details.only Genuine and serious replies plsease.pakistanyasir iqbale mail : subhan80@live.com

Location

lahore

This article is should be considered a "MUST READ" for every single Muslim man, whether married or not. It highlights the main qualities, and ingredients, that are needed for a successfully happy marriage. A marriage which is not founded upon trust, understanding, kindness, mututual respect, and honesty is bound to be more of a farce than marriage. It pains me beyond words to read the complaints made by some sisters (especilly those who converted to Islam for the sake of their husbands, initially at least) but ended up having to endure the pain and pressure of untrusting and bad tempered husbands. My advice to them (be they hasbands or wives) is to read, and reflect upon, Khalil Gibran's master piece THE PROPHET, and especially the chapter on Marriage, in which the immortal Arab American poet and philosopher said: " Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music." A Muslim husband should live by, and embody, the qulatities of Mercy and Compassion which we Muslims mention every time we prar or recite the Qur'an..."Bismillahi Al-Rahman Al-Raheem." In the name of Allah the most Compassionate, the most Merciful."Your brother in Islam

Location

Toronto, Canada

Being guided by family or an Imam, or a Waqil should help sisters select the right spouse for her. We have to be honest with ourselves as well as the ones we entrust to help us select the right mate. Some men use their weakness to control their women. Like if you are a good muslimina then I can be a good muslim. I printed the article and will try using some of its content to select one who is tight for me. I want to have the Prophet following brother as my life mate.

Location

Cleveland

NO marriage is perfect let me say this even to al those new sisters about to marry you will have few months even 6mths to a year of heaven bliss then it will be reality. At the end of the day marriage s abadah worship the only reason we marry is to for fill our deen and we marry as this is Will of Allah unlike the Catholics. Marriage is not easy I am a British convert married to a Saudi man for 10 years a miracle I converted to islam at a very young age 16.Married a man very quick the Islamic way moved to Saudi not knowing how the culture would be another planet. In life we try to overcome things Allah tests us with when you have kids you learn to except things more have patience.let me say this life is temp and short so if u have issues and u can bare them hang in there in the end it is worth it for your kids.I don’t think I know a single women that would say her life is perfect and she may not have made decision’s if her life was to be chosen again and she could go back. Men are hard work but marriage is like a plant u must water it to keep it alive men and women r not the same in thinking. Let me say even the most odd couples that marry from different backgrounds and cultures cna make it if they have one ting in commen love for Allah and their goal is jennah No one i think suffered more than me with the culture cause they say it is Islam it is not Infact I love England and I think u can be a good Muslim where ever you live it is in your heart. If have issues be patient for ur jennah and kids sake. After ala lit is Allah swt that brought u together for one reason or a not. Im happy now finally after 10 years my husband lived i uk for 7 yrs studiedand speaks better English than me he compromises after al there was no way id ever become a Saudi women.. I miss the manner of women here like uk has ques order and manners uk no one pushes in que’swe have rule sheer rules what rules lol But we have all halal food no need ot check for pig ingredients’ the athan is nice praying anyway is normal being a MuslimHere is easy shops are open late. I miss the rain the green trees but I think to myself life is short i should be in the right place and bring my kids up in a Islamic place while i can I have been to mecca 8 times for umrah2 times for hajj being here makes that easy. Try to look at the good quality’s in ur husband and advice to women put uself first always dont have too much mercy it doe snot pay off. women r always giving men by nature are selfish. My prays to you all

Location

saudi

is Allah swt that brought u together for one reason or a not.ethere wa sno way id ever become a saudi women.. I miss the manner of women here like uk has ques order and manners uk no one pushes in ques we have rule sheer rules what rules lolBut we have all halal food no need ot check for pig ingreadiants the azen is nice praying anyway is normal being a muslimhere ie asy shops are open late. I miss the rain the green trees but i think to myself life is short i should be in the right place and bring my kids up in a islamic place while i canI have been to mecca 8 times for umrah2 times for hajj being here makes that easy.Try to lok at the good qualitys in ur husband and advice ot women put uself first always dont have too much mercy it does not pay off. women r always giving men by natuire are selfish.My prays to you all

Location

saudi

NO marriage is perfect let me say this even to al those new sisters about to marry you wil have few months even 6mths to a year of heaven bliss then it wil be reality. At the end of the day marriage s abbahad worship the only reason we marry is to forfill our deen and we marry as this is Will of allah unlike the cathplics.marriage is not easy I am a british convert married to a saudi man fo 10 years a mircle i converted to islam at a very young age 16 married a man very quick the islamic way moved to saudi not knowing how the culure would be another plannet.In life we try to overcome things allah tests us with when you have kids you learnt ot expcet things more patience. let me say this life is temp and short so if u have issues and u cna bare them hang in there in the end it is worth it for your kidsI dont think i know a single women that would say her life is perfect and she may not have made decisionss if her life was to be chosen again and she could go back.Men are hard work but marriage is like a plant u must water it to keep it alivemen and women r not the same in thinking.Let me say even the most odd couples that mary from different backgrounds and culures cna make it if they have one ting in commen love for Allah and their goal is jennahNo one i think suffered more than me with the culure cause they say ti is islam it is notInfact I love england and i think u can be a good muslim where ever you live it is in your heart.If have isses be patient for ur jennaha nd kids sake. Afetr ala lit is Allah swt that brought u together for one reason or a not.Im happy now finally after 10 years my husband lived i uk for 7 yrys studied and speaks better english than me he compromises after al there wa sno way id ever become a saudi women.. I miss the manner of women here like uk has ques order and manners uk no one pushes in ques we have rule sheer rules what rules lolBut we have all halal food no need ot check for pig ingreadiants the azen is nice praying anyway is normal being a muslimhere ie asy shops are open late. I miss the rain the green trees but i think to myself life is short i should be in the right place and bring my kids up in a islamic place while i canI have been to mecca 8 times for umrah2 times for hajj being here makes that easy.Try to lok at the good qualitys in ur husband and advice ot women put uself first always dont have too much mercy it doe snot pay off. womn r always giving men by natuire are selfish.My prays to you all

Location

saudi

I married a "pious" Muslim man and the worst aspect of him is he is so very very easy to get mad at the drop of a hat. He is also so suspicious thinking I am doing haram which I am not. He trusts no one basically it seems and I dont care if I trust people, generally its not a big deal to me but I for sure should trust my husband.I dont think American women should marry Arab men. The mix is lethal and not a good ease into a relationship in which there are already a lot of responsibilities. My husband is very jealous of my kids and it is only we stay together I think because my kids now live their father. Its a tough road and I am a really easy going person. I dont know if we can make it to death due us part because he is really ready to leave every time he gets mad. And I feel like I dont even like Islam anylonger when I have seen two Muslim Arab men be problems in my life. Allah knows best but I am not happy. I wish Imams would really talk to the men about being good Muslim husbands because the divorce rate will continue to sky rocket and many young Muslim children will be lost in this life.

Location

San Francisco, CA

Dear Cathi. I hope things are well with you & your marriage is much better right now. A lot Muslims especially born Muslims adopted their cultures more instead of following Islamic teachings sadly. Islam is not just about pray & read Qur'an, but it's a way of life. And sadly a lot of Muslims only follow a few parts of Islam and leave out (don't care) the other parts, those who do this, not really "pious" Muslims. Peace, sis Dee (happy wife with 2 kids).

Location

Bay Area

Hi everyone! Its nice to read your comments. I think no matter what religion you being a good husband comes down to being a patient and understanding human being. The majority of bad marriages is down to poor communication and one or the other person getting angry. For my marriage what works is that when he has a bad day and bad temper I keep my mouth shut and dont argue with him. Same goes for him; If Im having a bad day he will listen then hug me at the end. We have been together for almost 7 years and this works..but you must explain to him it works both ways. Also remember boys "the woman is always right" Also if you both work full time- jump on your email and email him/her about whats being bugging you and what you would like done about it. (but only in a calm state). Most often getting it out in an email makes you realise you were angry for a silly reason.

Location

Melbourne

asa to all my muslim brothers and sisters. This is a great article i will make sure my husband reads it. I have been married for three years and have two gorgeous children mashallah. But i am not happy in this marriage. My husband prays all his salahs but he does not trust me and ever do is arguee. I be up in the morning at 5 and sleep at bout 2 i look after my kids who are twins and cook for my husband. I never recieve any help from him instead he thinks i sleep during the day wheile his at work. Im really depressed bout my marriage can sum1 advise me on wat they think i should do? Thanks

Location

london

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