SUMMARY: Parents may be frustrated with teenagers' apparent lack of motivation, but a caring response grounded in faith and wisdom can help teenagers reach their potential and become the best version of themselves.
One of the most common complaints that Muslim parents have is that they feel that their teenaged child is not interested in learning the religion or involving himself in community life. In response, many parents rush to put their teen in a youth group or in a Quran class or halaqa in the hopes that their teenager will have a renewed thirst for Islam. The Muslim teen however, often responds with a certain amount of reluctance or indifference.
The struggle to get teens not only motivated to go to a class or halaqa, but to be ready on time in appropriate attire and good mood, leaves many parents frustrated. It is not uncommon to find parents apologizing for or complaining about their teen’s absence or ignoring and allowing their teen to misbehave when they do go to class resigning themselves that they are just happy that the teen has come.
But none of this need be the reality for the Muslim parent!
Parents have to equip themselves with two things if they want to motivate their Muslim teen. The first is knowledge. Parents need to know the physical and psychological components that shape and influence teenagers in this society. Then the parent must be patient and merciful giving their teen an opportunity to develop into that which is pleasing and struggling to submit to Allah, The Most High.
Allah has formed the human being in the most excellent manner and our development is a wondrous, profound thing. In the PBS special “Inside the Teenage Brain” scientists describe the teenage brain as ‘a work in progress’. Neuroscientists who study of the human brain using MRI’s (magnetic resonance imaging) have found that adolescence is a time of profound brain growth and change that becomes more complex and efficient especially in the brain’s prefrontal cortex. For teens, the greatest changes to the parts of the brain that are responsible for impulse-control, decision making, planning, judgment and even organization occur in adolescence. In fact, the prefrontal cortex does not reach full maturity until around the age of 25.
What does this information about brain development in teens really mean for the Muslim parent? It means that it is important to not give up on our youth. Your teen’s behavior is a natural part of development and will of course improve in time, if Allah wills.
Allah, The Most High, has given our children to us a ‘trust’. We have to rely on Him for guidance. As we begin to understand the profound beauty of the human being, we need not feel angry or frustrated, but instead interested and involved in the process. Parents must be creative and proactive. Parents that berate and argue with their students and fill their heads with exaggerated tales of their doom, really only increase the struggle. Teens don’t have the best judgment – regardless of their own personal perception that they are mature or ‘know’ enough.
Also, parents need not let their child’s immaturity be an obstacle to Islamic learning. Our children are a loan to us, but definitely a test that we will be questioned about on the day of judgment. We must tell our children that we love them and reinforce good behavior. Prophet Muhammad, may Allah send peace and blessings upon him, was known to be a man of good cheer and pleasant face. It is amazing how a calm smile reminding the teen that it’s time for class is more effective than a scowl or frenzied yell when the teen is late or disorganized.
Parents must be involved in giving their teen useful Islamic learning. Teens don’t want to be taught the same thing over and over. If the weekend school initiative is inadequate, parents can place teens in adult halaqas and taleems.
In addition, Muslim parents have to send a clear message of priorities. It is not uncommon for parents to place their children in Quran classes and see the children resist as they approach their teen years, not because of a lack of love for Quran, but rather because the parents have pushed more the idea of success through secular education and financial prosperity. Thus high school teens are bogged down in advance classes that are so challenging that extra study and memorization seems burdensome. So in their judgment of what is important, the teen will put Quran and Islamic studies on the back burner or view this as something that they have outgrown as they work toward college acceptance.
The Muslim parent then is aware not only of what they are teaching their teen at home, but also attempts to shape the circumstances and influences that exist in their teens’ lives. Teens are bombarded in media and interpersonal relationships to embrace the popular culture and look to other teens for examples of acceptance and success. Parents need not feel helpless to these influences. Instead, the knowledgeable Muslim parent acknowledges and understands that this is the reality. Then the parent can introduce role models that have lasted through time and reflect the good of Islam.
During the age of the Prophet, may Allah send peace and blessings upon him, youth were busy and involved in the development of community life in Islam. Abdullah ibn Abbas devoted himself to scholarly education at a young age, becoming an expert in Tafsir (exegesis). Jafar ibn Abi Talib, a young man, embraced Islam at an early age, suffered the consequences and later led Muslims, including the sahabah Uthman ibn Affan, and his wife Ruqqayah daughter of the Prophet, may Allah send peace and blessings upon him, in one of the migrations to Abyssinia. There Jafar was articulate enough to relate information to the Negus about the Islamic belief in prophet Isa, peace be upon him, thus ensuring a safe haven for the Muslims.
The wonderful success of young companions of the Prophet, may Allah send peace and blessings upon him, can be examples for the Muslim teen to follow. But in this modern day and environment, parents have to move away from juvenile exponential storytelling, since the educational reality of teens is not that of rote memorization and regurgitation of facts, but rather thoughtful reflection and critical thinking. Through Abdullah ibn Abbas, youth can realize that they can be respected scholars especially if they start young and are consistent, so stay in that Quran class. Even though most youth are not converts or suffering hardship and oppression, they can surely relate to the struggle in the modern world to maintain Islamic principles, practice their religion without ridicule and can be articulate Dai that reflect the relevant and true image of Islam.
Lastly, parents must be patient, show forbearance and compassion to their teens. Inherent in patience is a respect for the other human being. It is important for Muslim parents to listen to what their teen has to say and realize that their experiences growing up are not like yours. As parents share their own knowledge, understanding and experiences when they were a teen, parents must be patience with the teens’ response. Some teens are convinced that their parents simply do not understand them or their situation and in some instances, that is true.
As Muslim parents practice patience with their teen, the teen can move at their own pace. Patience is not acceptance of poor manners and disrespect, but rather patience is allowing for mistakes, restraining from quick and harsh punishments, taking into account the impulsive and immature nature of teens and giving the teen room (and time) to grow. Any motivation that a Muslim parent hopes their teen to have, will only be achieved through this most merciful attribute.
Abdullah ibn Abbas narrated that Allah’s Messenger, may Allah send peace and blessings upon him, said to Ashaj Abdul-Qais, “You possess two such qualities that Allah loves: clemency and tolerance.” (Muslim)
Related:
(1) Bringing back Young Leaders: Inspiration from the Story of Usama ibn Zayd
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