Muslims and marriage counseling | SoundVision.com

Muslims and marriage counseling

Muslims and marriage counseling

Is your marriage in trouble? Have the virtually endless fights and arguments led you to a dead end? Are you seeking a solution?

One option offered to couples trying to save their marriage is to see a marriage counselor.

A marriage counselor advises couples with emotional or other personal difficulties. Counselors help them work out their problems by encouraging them to discuss and think about their problems. They also to try to find solutions that will help the couples deal with their problems.

On the surface, this seems like an arrangement that can work. But there are a number of considerations Muslims must keep in mind before seeking the help of a marriage counselor who does not have an Islamic orientation, whether Muslim or non-Muslim.

Dr. Akthtar Raza is a psychiatrist and medical director of the Piney Ridge Center Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri.

In an interview with Sound Vision, he gave a general account of what happens in marriage counseling in the mainstream social services structure.

First, the marriage counselor talks to the husband and wife together, as well as individually.

Raza notes that the person who usually seeks counseling amongst couples in marital disputes is the wife. In come cases, husbands do not want to come in so the counseling cannot obviously take place.

During a session, if the counselor sees the couple?s marriage as salvageable, and both the husband and the wife want to commit to making it work, the counselor will continue the counseling, moving on to the next step.

If however, the husband or the wife shows indifference and s/he does not care if the marriage lasts, the counselor will drops the case and will make no further attempt at counseling. If the couple both agree, counselling starts.

The stages of marriage counseling

There are three main stages in marriage counseling.

1. In the first five to six weekly sessions, the couple openly express all negative feelings about each other. They can sometimes be very hostile to each other.

Raza notes that this can be shocking for one or both partners, since they never realized the other feltt so negatively.

2. The next stage is extremely difficult. As the couple has openly conveyed negative feelings to each other, they are usually very angry with one another. In a number of cases, they may completely end coming to counseling.

3. If the couple survives the second stage and remain in counseling, the counselor asks each of them if they are still committed to maintaining their marriage.

If they are, the rest of the sessions (about 10 to 15) are focused on that. Muslim couples face problems when seeking marriage counseling in the mainstream

One major problem for Muslims who seek this type of counseling is its immediate emphasis on divorce.

Raza notes though that a counselor who is well-trained will never recommend divorce. S/he will only present it as one of many options.

This approach to a marital conflict poses difficulties for Muslim couples seeking counseling from non-Muslim marriage counselors or even Muslim counselors trained in the mainstream counseling system.

"Over and over again the complaints that I have heard from these couples when they are sent to so-called Muslim agencies is that these people are trained in the mainstream. They see a family or marriage and domestic violence case and their advice is divorce," says Shahina Siddiqui executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA). She has been a counselor in the Winnipeg, Canada Muslim community for over 15 years.

"Couples have said 'Sr. Shahina, if we wanted divorce, we would go to lawyer, why would we go to a counsellor?,'" she adds. Siddiqui explains that when most Muslim couples seek marriage counseling, it's because they want a resolution to their disagreements, whether they are minor or even if they involve abuse like domestic violence.

The difference in approach when it comes to Islamic marriage counseling versus the mainstream one is that the former makes a serious effort to find what is positive in the couple's relationship before dismissing it as a divorce case.

"We will try our best to take whatever silver lining there is in the cloud and work on it and work on it and help our clients work on it, because the majority of them do not want to break the relationship but they are helpless," says Siddiqui.

"They are now in a situation where they cannot see that silver lining, we find it for them. We help them see it and we help them try to keep that marriage together. Not at any cost but if they are both willing and we see that there is good in this marriage, that something can be worked on, we encourage that" she adds.

 

Comments

I have been married for last 3 months. we are having issues in terms of family and finance. my husband left his job after marriage because i paid my parents bill out of my befor marriage income. he has not been working from last 2 months. i have been working and taking care of all our bill. now after marriage i have around $12,000 debt and i make $5500 still we are not able to save because my husband has one or the other expenses and also i pay half of my in-laws bills. he is on student visa and i am U.S. Citizen. i had my condition before marriage that i will give my half salary to my parents and he agreed to it after marriage he changed his words. he made me take quran in my hand and asked me to say i wont see my parents without his permission and i wont give any money to in family. his visa is in process. he used to work at gas station befor marriage. i have not told my parents that i am working and he is unemployed. my parents don't know his visa is under process. please help me what should i do. he is not even ready to sign post nuptial agreement. and he don't tell me where he goes and what he do. he withdraw money from account and dont inform me. I talked to him about all this but no change. Please advise.

Location

Tx

I am going through the same situation. its 3 months of marriage for me as well. He asks me to transfer me money per month for his household expense and then treats me badly when i transfer him once. I did it for 3 months but when i asked him why should i transfer him and till when he said till i stay in this house which sounded ridiculous. He is smart enough to take money from me and potray in front of his family and relatives that he is a working man. Before marriage he said he had a business but now due to covid it not working. I lately found that he has started working just 3 yrs back and is a complete narsiccist. I am currently at my parents home and he has stopped talking to me and has blocked me as he knows that his reality will be out as i have all the transactions and msgs he has sent asking money every month. I have been cheated big time. 

Location

India

Please protect yourself. Open a bank account in your name only. Deposit your check there. Put some money in joint account. If possible and your parents are here move back home. Tell your husband flatly either shape up and be a man and get a job and act married and treat you with respect or take divorce and move on. Do not let yourself be used for citizenship.

Location

Tx

This is totally wrong in 3 moths of marriage he's already showing his true colors don't trust him he seems like greedy and selfish if he's doing this now he will be worst once he gets his Greencard just move out of this relationship and go to ur parents

Location

New York

Mere shohar ki 1st wife hai. Use aulad nahi hai. Main unki 2sri bivi hu. Mujhe 1 beti hai. Ab tak mere sasuralwalo ne mujhe ghar nahi le gaye. Hum rent pe rahte hai. Ab sudden meri sautan mujhe apnane k liye ready ho gayi hai. Main kya karo? Main uske saath bacchi nahi batna chahti. Main bahot mantally disturb hu. Pls help

Location

Aurangabad

Salam,

I do not know what your financial limitations are or if English is an accessible language for you (I could understand party what you have written in urdu?) however there is a Muslim sister, Shazia Ali, that coaches wives through Laura Doyle's relationship coaching

http://lauradoyle.org/shazia-ali/

Also, find Laura Doyle's books the Surrendered Wife (this means surrendering inappropriate control of others and only controlling what you can - which is yourself).

This book may be available in Urdu translation.

Also, The Marriage Place is a pro-marriage counselling and coaching service. They offer individual counselling as well http://themarriageplace.com/

Don't move in stay where you are ....rented house is better ...trouble will start once you move in

Location

New York

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Location

usa

I am currently dating with a lady whom have a 3 yr old kid. Her parents accepted me and I am quite happy with it.Our relationship is so special. My concern is my dad, he seems not to talk abt it and wants to me to break up and i am seriously in love with her. I have pray that insyallah one day my dad would accept. Any advices how shall i talk to my dad?

Location

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