Fostering Grit in our Children

This life is a test. A test we all have been struggling through. It is also the test we wish our children will get through with ease but, deep down, we know it will be a struggle for them as well. So how do we prepare them for this test? 

Allah says in the Quran: 

We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast, those who say, when afflicted with a calamity, 'We belong to God and to Him we shall return.' These will be given blessings and mercy from their Lord, and it is they who are rightly guided."

(Surah al-Baqarah, 2:155-157)

The keyword in this ayah is steadfast. What does it mean to be steadfast? According to the dictionary, it means “to be resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.” It is a word that has commonly been used throughout the Quran as it is a trait Allah would like to see in His Creation when striving to better ourselves and the world around us for His Sake. However, it is not a trait we are born with. We are meant to nurture and enhance it throughout our life until we reach the reward of the Hereafter, Paradise. Most of us are intensely aware that this trait is important,  but how do we bring it about in our children? We start them young.

One of the modern terms that we use nowadays for steadfastness is grit. Angela Duckworth, a psychology professor from the University of Pennsylvania, has popularized the term through her research. She had found that grit is a common trait among high achievers, especially among adolescents who were her main test subjects. She believes that grit is having passion and perseverance for long-term goals. To expand, "grit is a combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades.”  

Instilling Resilience in Our Children 

Here are four ways we can foster grit along with its traits of resilience, perseverance, and industriousness in our children: 

1. Choose a passion and stick to it. 

Decide with your children on a specific interest each of them will engage in on a regular basis. It can be a sport or skills such as coding, painting landscapes, or learning to recite the Quran with tajweed, or beautification. Duckworth calls it a “Hard Thing Rule,” where the child finds the activity interesting but it has to require “deliberate practice, almost daily.” Children have to stick to it for a set period of time and are not allowed to quit it in the middle. This is meant to teach children to commit to something and work hard; motivating themselves to keep going until they succeed or at least reach the end of the term of the activity. Practice begets skill.

2. Cultivate a Growth Mindset. 

Stanford Psychology Professor Carol Dweck specialized in the research of cultivating a “growth mindset.” A growth mindset is where an individual believes his or her talents can be developed through hard work, good strategies, and input from others. In contrast, someone with a “fixed mindset” believes his or her talents are innate gifts, they believe they are born with it.  

Dweck’s research demonstrated that students who achieved more on a consistent basis, had a growth mindset. The frustration that children will deal with while developing a skill, playing a sport, or any activity needs to be coupled with encouragement that notes the effort and time their children are putting into the skill instead of how “good or bad” they are at doing it. Parents should help them understand their anxiety, sadness, or frustration as part of the process of gaining that skill and reaching their goal. It significantly changes the way they work and develop their skills as they get better at picking themselves up again if they have fallen or hit a roadblock. There are more tips on how to encourage a growth mindset below. 

3. Encourage Taking Risks and Talk About Your Experiences. 

Find opportunities where your children can safely get out of their comfort zone and try something new. Try to do this on a regular basis. Moreover, talk about the risks that you took in your own life and how you overcame them. The emphasis is on healthy and halal, Islamically lawful, risks, of course. Speaking about your risks and consequent failures helps your children see how you have bounced back, and that they can, too. If you cannot think of anything to share from your life, glean from the lives of other family members, friends, famous people, etc. This is the perfect opportunity to also teach about the lives of the prophets (all of them!) and share their struggles and triumphs. Speaking of triumphs, also make sure to celebrate when your children persevere through a difficult task.

4.  Recognize that Failure is Part of the Process. 

When on a journey of gaining a skill, teach children that setbacks or failures are not the end. We need to do our best as parents so that we allow our kids to take safe risks and that we let them fail. If we do not let them fail and teach them how to bounce back, they will struggle to deal with worse setbacks in their adult life. We need to resist the urge to save them. This is where cultivating a growth mindset comes in. We need to encourage them in a way where they are willing to try again or move on to the next thing. Help your child build a Plan B or C and use the experience to teach resilience and as an opportunity for success. Brainstorm strategies and build an action plan together, and let your child come to a solution on their own. 

Cultivating a Growth Mindset 

There are some important tips to take once you have decided to help your children cultivate a growth mindset.

1.  Be mindful of the messages you send with your words and actions.

Your parental voice will eventually become the voice in your child’s head. You need to model a growth mindset as you nurture it in your children as well. Remember to engage in positive communication with them as much as you can. If criticism is necessary, take great care to do it in a constructive manner.

2.  Take care in your use of praise.

BigLifeJournal.com has a simple outline on how you can encourage a growth mindset in your child with the use of praise.

3.   Acknowledge and use the power of “yet.” 

Words matter. Be sure to use the power of “yet” as a means of encouragement. Try these:

“You can’t do it yet.” “You don’t know it yet.” “If you learn and practice, you will!” 

In addition, there are ways that you can help along the way. Check out these common messages:

A Caution about Universal Application

If a family’s circumstances include poverty, homelessness, racism, lack of access to proper medical care, and a host of other challenging conditions, grit is especially effective and most of these children depend on it everyday. The larger problem, however, lies in unequal access to life enhancing services and amenities which can seriously impact someone’s ability to succeed. Grit won’t fix these injustices. In fact, a romanticized notion that struggle is a character-building tool, can have negative implications for these children and in socioeconomically disadvantaged communities. 

Duckworth’s research was conducted in largely privileged populations in the U.S. For these children who do not have to struggle for the basics - food, shelter, clothing, safety, love - developing grit is important. Though Duckworth has noted that some students from impoverished backgrounds have exhibited traits related to grit and were able to blossom out of challenging circumstances - for example, being the first to go to college in their family - she has acknowledged that addressing the socio-economic injustices for these children is more important to their overall academic success. 

In conclusion, our life as a Muslim will undoubtedly be faced with disappointments, loss of self-control, and hardships. But we must do our best to face them all with the hope that Allah will bring us ease and reward in the end inshaAllah, God Willing. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, put it best: 

Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. For if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.

(Sahih Muslim)

Further Reading

Positive Mindset Series:  Five children’s books written on the topic by Cathy Domoney

The Magic Is Inside You: Powerful & Positive Thinking For Confident Children, illustrated by Karen Davis

Pop Finds His Smile: Positive Thinking for Kids, illustrated by Aleksandra Bobrek

Am I Weird? Illustrated by Moran Reudor

Dear Bully … Promoting Healing, Harmony and Friendship, illustrated by Skye Domoney

I Am Perfectly Me!: How to Connect to Your Inner Wisdom and Self-Love, illustrated by Moran Reudor

Mindset by Carol Dweck 

Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

Sumayya Khan is a homeschooling mom and elementary school teacher. She has taught at several Islamic schools and organizations in the last 10 years. She is currently teaching Language Arts at Dawanet’s E-School, studying the Qur’an through Al-Huda Institute, and homeschooling her two kids. In her free time, she loves to spend time with her family and friends, play sports, enjoy nature, and read books. She currently resides with her children, husband and his family in Toronto, Canada.