Parents may lie to their children thinking they are protecting or preserving a child’s mental health. However, the National Institute of Health found children who are routinely told untruths by their parents experience a higher incidence of emotional difficulties, damaged trust in the parent to child relationship, and an increase in behavior problems especially in deceitfulness. Surely none of these are the desired outcomes. Parents are models for their children. Parents compromise their child’s emotional and ethical development if they lie because its more opportunistic than explaining the truth, or lie about themselves, the child or family members, or use a lie to emphasize a point of discipline. But most importantly, parental lying impacts their child’s journey to Islam.
Abdullah reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Truth leads one to Paradise and virtue leads one to Paradise and the person tells the truth until he is recorded as truthful, and lie leads to obscenity and obscenity leads to Hell, and the person tells a lie until he is recorded as a liar.
Sahih Muslim – Book 32 Hadith 6307
Parental lying has no place in the Muslim home.
Muslim parents always look to the life examples and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). His traditions are worthy of being followed and reflected upon because they are best practices for the believer. He was known as the truthful one - as-Sadiq (the truthful) because his word was his bond and he spoke the truth. He was also called the trustworthy – al Amin because of his honesty especially in business matters and when dealing with the people, even his enemies.
The words of guidance that he spoke to the believers are layered with meaning and serve in more than one circumstance. For example, many Muslims may know or have heard the hadith about truthfulness and good deeds in Sahih Al Bukhari and relate it solely to Ramadan:
“Whoever does not give up forged speech and evil actions, Allah is not in need of his leaving his food and drink ”
However, this prohibition is an overarching direction for how a Muslim should lead their life and understand that acts of ibadah are meaningless if one has bad character. The findings from the National Institute of Health reveal the emotional distress caused by lying to one’s child is rooted in the character of the parents themselves. Parental lying leads to an altered state of perceived reality in children. A child doesn’t trust what information has been relayed to them because it has been proven to be untrue. This only increases their anxiety, even if the parent’s intention was to protect them from hardship.
Hardships are learning experiences for the human being. Even with the inclination to protect our children from the harshness of the world, we have no power other than what Allah Blesses us with. During the prophet age, hardships were not concealed from children but rather learning experiences. When we look at the life example of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) we learn how he dealt with distressing circumstances with his children. In the seventh year of prophethood, the leaders of the powerful Quraysh boycotted the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his followers. This economic and societal isolation caused three years of great hardship, even starvation for the prophet (saw), his family and the believers.
During the boycott, all the daughters of Prophet Muhammad' (pbuh) lived with him as well as the sons of his uncle Abu Talib: Ali, Talib, and Aqil. His youngest daughter Fatima was a child who had not yet reached puberty. His other daughters Zainab, Ruqayyah, and Umm Kulthum were all teenagers estimated to be between 12 and 16 years old. The prophet’s (saw) nephew Ali was also a teen likely between 14 and 16 years.
The family of Muhammad (pbuh) endured the hardships and hunger of the Quraysh boycott. But rather than confusing them with lies about their circumstances the prophet (saw) instilled resilience and faith in them by explaining the reasons for their suffering and modeling patience and unwavering faith that Allah is the Guardian and Protector of all creation, and the believers must put their trust in Him.
Imagine the level of betrayed trust these young people would have had if the hardships endured had been explained away in some unthinkable excuse of a ‘down turned economy’ or mistaken identity. The youth would have been denied the opportunity to increase their Iman or perhaps fully understand the significance and life changing importance of the messages of Tauheed.
Lying is a major sin to avoid. Parents should respect the nature of their children enough not to lie to them. Parents can speak the truth of even challenging dangerous circumstances accounting for their child’s age and level of understanding. Lying to be funny or to control a child doesn’t adhere to the Islamic principles of truthfulness. In fact, that type of lying is likely to cause distrust and fear in a sensitive child and rebelliousness in strong-willed children who could even challenge the parent on the authenticity of their tales.
Parents can and should safeguard their children from negative influences. Parents are tasked with raising a righteous child in the Holy Quran
O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, overseen by formidable and severe angels, who never disobey whatever Allah orders—always doing as commanded.
Surah Surah At-Tahrim 66:6
Protection is a form of piety and God-Consciousness. Note that Allah teaches the believers to fear for themselves first and then their families. For a parent this is a matter of self-reflection of the Amana or Trust that parents have when blessed with children. Parents must not harm their own souls with a lie.
Author bio: Mahasin D. Shamsid-Deen is the news curator and content manager for Muslim Network TV (MNTV) and contributing writer for Sound Vision. She holds a master’s degree in English writing and has worked as both a High School and College ESL Instructor and Writing Instructor for more than a decade. Mahasin has numerous published articles, books, essays and is a published playwright with three award winning stage plays. She is currently writing her dissertation for her doctoral degree.
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