As I raise my children and reflect on my own childhood, it is amazing to compare what I was doing at their age with their experiences now. Their generation is so much different from our own, not to mention that of our parents and grandparents. We always hear about the disconnect between Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z. One traditional, one old fashioned, one raised at the turn of the century, and the other tech-driven, will they ever see eye to eye? Those differences are even more compounded with parents born and raised in other countries now raising first, second, and third generation Americans.
I moved to the U.S. when I was nine years old and started working only six years later at 14. Now that my two eldest are teens, I see the stark contrasts between their lives and mine. I wonder how I can guide them to make good choices when it comes to their education and careers.
From Humble Beginnings
I came from a Catholic family, and although my parents were not devout churchgoers, they were religiously traditional, part of old school Puerto Rican culture. A young girl my age could not go out alone, even to hang out with female friends. If I worked, I could be outside breathing fresh air, or at least the fumes from the burgers grilling at the local McDonald’s. That is where I ended up working after I convinced my parents. So began a journey of juggling work and school; it was a challenge, but I found it exhilarating.
After all, I had no other responsibilities at home, maybe washing a few dishes, perhaps cleaning my room every other decade. My mother did the rest. She was a good housewife, always meticulously clean and thorough. She had years of practice and a great role model to follow: my grandmother, who was the epitome of housekeeping and childrearing. That incredible woman raised nine of her own and two adopted children, helped raise some of her grandchildren, managed a farm, and washed clothes by hand in the heat of the tropical sun.
My mother was a nurse and the only one of her siblings who finished high school and college. After moving to the U.S. with my father, she stopped working because of language barriers. She missed the hustle and bustle of working in the hospital, but easily settled into her new role as Queen of the House. So as the Queen continued with her task of keeping the house tidy, I worked and studied.
My teenage sons, on the other hand, are not as excited as I was to step into the workforce. While I would never pressure them to do so at an early age, I see the benefits of teaching them the value of hard work early. Along with that, I want them to see what options are out there for them as far as choosing a career is concerned. Too many times, parents pressure children to follow their own whims. “He has to be a doctor or an engineer,” we often hear in the Islamic community. Our intentions may be good, but we are teaching them that they only have two choices and that their success relies on whether or not they pick one or the other.
My parents tried to do the same with me. They encouraged me to become a doctor or to follow my mother’s footsteps as a nurse, but I knew from shadowing my mother at hospitals and clinics that it was not for me. They did not provide much guidance after that, so once I was in the university, I did not know in what direction I was headed. I changed my major many times trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. My only constant was going to work. I did everything from customer service and retail in malls and newspapers, to administrative work in hotels and hospitals. It was not until I reached the age of about 22 (Muslim by this time, Alhamdulillah) that I realized I needed to get my act together. I chose a major and stuck with it, even though I still wasn’t sure about my choice. Meanwhile, I did not give up working; by the end of my studies, I was working two jobs, one full time, the other part time, plus I had a full-time study load. I was a workaholic and I did not want it any other way!
Transition to Married Life
When I got married at 25, I planned to continue working and pursuing grad studies where I was living. Allah had other plans - my husband worked in another state and he could not transfer to my area. I soon found myself jobless and living in a new place while adjusting to married life. I nearly panicked when I realized that I would have to cook and clean! Even though I worked for more than a decade, this was a job I was not prepared for. Now, looking back as a parent I must ask myself, are my children prepared? We worry about their GPA or what profession they will choose, but how about their domestic skills? Can they cook a meal for themselves? Can they change a tire or even a diaper? What life skills are we teaching our children?
As a newlywed I again resorted to looking for a job to escape my house as I had when I was a teenager. I swiftly landed a teaching position in a local high school. It was a relief to jump back into the workforce, but it did not last very long. Halfway through the school year, I found out we were expecting. Masha’Allah, it was wonderful news, but it was also scary. Pregnancy not only comes with joy, but it is also fraught with worry and responsibility. Part of the worry began to affect my work, and this began to affect me physically, so much so that I had to stop working … for the first time in a long time. I felt out of my element. I was not trained to be a housewife, a :::gasp:::, stay-at-home-mom!
That was my life over 15 years ago. It just so happened that putting my first son in daycare was not an option, and as my family grew, I kept having to delay going back to work. Thankfully, I not only had the opportunity to be present in my children’s lives, but I did not have to give up working altogether. There are options for people and for our kids, to work from home or to choose careers that are flexible enough for them to dedicate time to their families and other things they love. This is where career education comes in, as well as family planning – or better yet, planning to have a family. Generational gaps do not have to get in the way of guiding our children to do what is best for their futures.
There has been a growing trend among young people to forget about what life will be like once they get married. This is even more so now than when I was growing up and way more than in my parents’ and grandparents’ generations, when having a family was seen as the pinnacle of success. With certain movements of liberalism and so-called feminism and empowerment, young people are being led to believe that following their dreams should be separate from raising a family – that family, and children specifically, are a hindrance rather than a blessing. Thus, gaining the necessary knowledge of finding a good spouse, choosing a family-oriented career, child-rearing, and managing successful households is lost or no longer prioritized. This kind of thinking is contrary to our faith. Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, used to encourage the youth to get married. He said, “O young men, if you are able to support a wife, get married…” (Bukhari, Muslim) He also motivated them to have many children, because he “will be proud of your great numbers before the other nations” on the Day of Judgement (Abu Dawud).
Balancing Work and Family
There is also a hadith that highlights the importance of fulfilling our duties with regards to our families. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said,
“Beware. Every one of you is a shepherd and everyone is answerable with regards to his flock… A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them. A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them…”
(Muslim)
This does not mean that youngsters should not have career goals or aspirations. It means that they should approach life bearing in mind that they may soon start a family of their own. As parents, we should instill discipline in our children and teach them how to take care of the house and how to manage their time so that they can complete chores and study. Instead of pushing them to become doctors or engineers and to only focus on their careers and delay marriage, we must show them how to lead a balanced life. This is more practical and healthier for a human being, boys and girls.
During our grandparents’ times, when technology was less advanced and life was slower-paced, there were not that many paths for them to choose from. Grandmothers typically worked in the home and raised their children. Our parents’ generation may have been the first in which many mothers were out in the workforce. Gen Z and Millenial children were raised to be independent, but we are even more career-driven. In my case, by Allah’s Mercy and after some time, I was able to assimilate into my roles as a wife and mother, but days go by when I ponder whether to return to working outside the home.
What was missing was balance. When I started college, I did not think I had many options, which was limiting. Now there seems to be an overabundance of options and, while that opens a world of possibilities for our kids, it can also be overwhelming and confusing. During these times, we must think about how to better prepare our children to build their careers around their faith and not the other way around. Our mistakes or victories can be their lessons.
We have a lot to offer our youth when it comes to preparing for the real world. Both girls and boys should be taught how to do household chores for even the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, mended his own socks and served himself (Ahmad, Ibn Hibban). It is time to revive this sunnah in our boys! I remember taking home economics classes in middle school where both boys and girls would learn to sew, cook, and care for younger children. Unfortunately, these are no longer offered in school, but that should not deter us. Since education begins at home, we can incorporate these lessons into our everyday interactions with our children. Admittedly, I would have loved that my mother pushed me to do more chores so that I learned early that taking care of a home is just as involved as pursuing a career. This is a lesson learned. Now we can help our children to be successful in all avenues of life, not just in their studies or careers. There is no one without the other, and no time better than the present.
“˹They are those who pray, “Our Lord! Bless us with pious spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous. It is they who will be rewarded with elevated mansions in Paradise for their perseverance, and will be received with salutations and greetings of peace.” (Surah Al-Furqan, 25:74-75)
Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (including two teens and one tween). She is the co-founder of Hablamos Islam, Inc., a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam and culture in Spanish. She is also the Spanish content coordinator for the Islamic Circle of North America’s WhyIslam Project and has also written, illustrated, and published a dozen children’s books. Díaz lives with her family in Maryland.
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