My mother didn’t like organized religion. She was raised a Catholic but as a young adult moved away from many things that were scripted by her religion and others. When I chose to convert to Islam, she struggled for a long time to understand my choice and support me in it. In our years of disagreement over how to live and worship, I can honestly say the one thing that kept me trying to stay close to and connect with her despite the difficulty of our relationship was Islam. Islam places such a large emphasis on parents, especially the mother.
I knew I couldn’t work toward being a decent Muslim without trying to maintain ties with my parents, especially my mom, no matter how much we disagreed.
A man once asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, “Who is most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet said “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your father.”
(Sahih Muslim)
In the Quran, Allah tells us:
"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth."
(Surah Al-Ahqaf, 46:15).
As I grew into Islam over the years and she got used to me living as a Muslim, I learned to seek out and appreciate the things she practiced that were aligned with Islam. Life lessons she advocated for and tried to uphold during her life reminded me so many times of the lessons we are taught through the Quran and Sunnah. Here are three of them.
Know Your Family and Remember Them
My mother loved family keepsakes. Photographs filled albums in the closet, old jewelry pieces lined the armoire drawers, and boxes upon boxes held paper mementos from family members I had never known or met before. As a child, I remember it feeling like a neverending rabbit hole of clutter.
“Mom, where did this bracelet of old coins come from?”
“Your Abuelis Elena got that for me when I was a baby. She added a new coin to it each year as I grew.”
“And who is this man in the photograph?”
“That’s Raul. He was the husband of so and so. His sister was so and so who married so and so.”
“Why do you have this prayer card?”
“That was from so and so’s funeral. She was a relative of so and so and spent her life working in such and such field.”
To my mother, every keepsake held a lineage and a story. Each item was a connection between her and her family, a reminder of where she came from and who played a part in her journey along the way. As she got older she even worked closely with one of my aunts to track down and reconnect with long-lost relatives and collect stories that had been forgotten after decades of separation.
What I couldn’t appreciate as a child I learned to appreciate as a Muslim adult after starting a family of my own and feeling the overwhelming urge to share with them all that I could about our family. In Islam, knowing your family heritage isn’t just about passing along a story, it’s a recommended path toward maintaining family ties and earning blessings from Allah, The Most High.
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“Learn your lineages to solidify your family ties. Verily, keeping family ties causes love among the kinship, enriches the wealth, and increases the lifespan.”
(Sunan At Tirmidhi)
Many companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, took pains to preserve their family histories and lineages, chief amongst them was Abu Bakr As Siddiq, may Allah have mercy on him, who not only knew his own family’s stories but the lineages and histories of many of the Arab tribes at the time.
Never Stop Learning
My mother loved to learn. Every moment was a learning opportunity in her mind. Ask her a question and be ready to go far beyond a simple yes or no because her answers were always aimed to educate. Even as an adult, long settled into her career as an elementary teacher, she never stopped learning or trying to advance her skills. She especially loved history and art. She was rarely ever found without a book in her hand or by her bedside.
Her thirst to learn often reminded me of the Prophet’s encouragement to seek knowledge, when he, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“Seeking knowledge is an obligation upon every Muslim.”
(Sahih, Sunan Ibn Majah)
Because of this, and many narrations in the Quran and Sunnah about the benefits of seeking knowledge and understanding, Islam has a strong history of Muslims advancing themselves in various branches of knowledge all around the world from Islamic sciences to mathematics, medicine, astronomy, agriculture, art, law, finance, mental health, and more.
I like to think that with every step I take toward advancing my own knowledge in an area, or helping my children to advance their own, I’m not only putting my faith into practice but also honoring my mother’s memory and passing on her good examples.
Do It Yourself
My mother was a fiercely independent woman. She never played the damsel in distress and believed strongly that every person should strive to build both their education and skills to allow them to be as self-reliant as possible. She rarely expected others to do anything for her that she could do herself.
In Islam, self-reliance from other human beings is both valued and encouraged.
The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“Whoever would abstain from asking people, Allah will make him abstinent. Whoever would be independent, Allah will make him independent. Whoever begs people while he owns an amount of five ounces of silver, he has asked importunately.”
(Sahih, Ahmad)
In another hadith, the Prophet Muhamamd, peace and blessings be upon him, clarified what it meant to pledge oneself to him by saying:
“That you worship Allah and do not associate any partners with Him, pray five prayers, listen and obey (the prophet and his laws), and that you do not ask people for anything.”
(Sahih Muslim)
When it comes to earning on your own versus asking of others, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him said:
“For one of you to take his rope and carry a bundle of wood to sell, by which Allah preserves his dignity, is better than begging from people who may give or withhold.”
(Sahih, Bukhari)
Self-reliance was even mentioned as a path to Jannah when the Prophet once asked his companions:
“Who will guarantee for me that he will not ask people for anything and I will guarantee for him Paradise?”
(Sahih, Abu Dawud)
This quality of my mother’s might be one of the things I’ve learned to appreciate the most about her over the years. Looking back, I realize that many of the “chores” she painstakingly tried to train me in as a youth were so that I could stand on my own as an adult. She was trying to encourage me to value building the knowledge and skills necessary to make my own decisions and carve my own path in the world, rather than being entirely reliant on others’ choices for me. SubhanAllah, all glory is for Allah, as a Muslim, we know the only One worth being reliant on is Allah and we put our trust in Him as we work to make our way in this world.
Converting to Islam can often create conflict for our families, especially when it comes to the relationship we have with our parents. But this doesn’t have to stop you from appreciating, celebrating, or honoring them. If becoming Muslim has complicated the relationship with your mother, seek out the actions, beliefs, and rituals that align with Islam. Treasure the commonalities between you and use them as a means to stay close to one another. The time we have with our parents is precious and spending that time can help rekindle broken bonds while also helping you to reflect on valuable lessons from our deen. If you have children, rest assured knowing that whatever good treatment and efforts you put into maintaining the ties with your parents now, they will take as an example of how to maintain ties with you, inshaAllah, God willing.
Melissa Barreto is a home-educating mother of five children and the Co-Founder of Wildflower Homeschool Collective, a homeschool organization based in Northern New Jersey.
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