Children are among the greatest blessings in this world. Allah says in the Quran:
“Wealth and children are the adornment of this worldly life” (Qur’an 18:46). This verse highlights the beauty and value children bring to a believer’s life. In Islam, offspring are considered a source of joy and a sacred trust. As such, parents are obligated to treat them with love, mercy, and justice. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, also emphasized this point when he said:
“The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best to my family.” (Tirmidhi 3895)
Despite the clear guidance Islam provides, toxic parenting behaviors exist, even in Muslim households. These patterns often stem from unresolved trauma, cultural conditioning, chronic stress, ignorance, or a lack of understanding of child development. While no parent is perfect, many harmful habits can be unlearned through sincere reflection, education, and consistent effort. Parenting undoubtedly comes with real and daunting challenges. However, our faith offers timeless tools and teachings through the Qur’an and Sunnah that guide us toward healthier, more compassionate relationships with our children and everyone around us. Islam lays out clear principles to break the cycles of generational trauma.
What follows is an exploration of common toxic parenting patterns, paired with Islamic guidance on how to recognize and correct them.
1. Cursing one’s child or children
Some parents curse or make negative prayers against their children in moments of anger or frustration. This is not only harmful to the child’s emotional well-being but also spiritually dangerous. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, warned:
“Do not pray against yourselves, do not pray against your children, do not pray against your wealth, lest that coincides with a time when Allah is asked and He gives, so He answers your prayer.” (Sahih Muslim, 3014)
This hadith illustrates the power of the tongue. Even unintentional words can coincide with an hour when Allah answers supplications. Parents should instead pray for their children’s success, guidance, and protection.
2. Using the “silent treatment” as punishment
Withdrawing affection or ignoring a child in silence can profoundly affect their self-esteem and sense of security. Though some parents may use silence to express disapproval, thinking of it as a mild form of chastisement, this method may lead to confusion and emotional distress. Islam discourages prolonged silence (in moments of conflict) even between adults. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“It is not lawful for a Muslim to boycott his brother for more than three nights.”
(Sahih Muslim, 2560)
If prolonged silence is discouraged between adults, how much more damaging is it for a child who seeks connection and reassurance from their caregiver? Parents should articulate their feelings respectfully and discipline through guidance and compassion, not emotional withdrawal. Whether young or older, children need to feel seen and heard.
3. Weaponizing Religion
Using religious concepts to manipulate or control children, through things like threats of Hell, shame, or divine punishment, distorts their understanding of Islam. It fosters fear and resentment, rather than love and reverence for Allah. Allah says of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him:
“It is out of Allah’s mercy that you [O Prophet] have been lenient with them. Had you been cruel or hard-hearted, they would have certainly abandoned you.” (Quran 3:159)
This verse illustrates that authentic spiritual leadership requires mercy and gentleness, especially within the family. Before learning about His justice, children should be introduced to Allah’s love and forgiveness. When presented with warmth, Islam becomes a source of strength and security, not fear.
Parents should emulate the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and be gentle in dealing with their children so that their harshness or strictness does not turn them away from Islam. When teaching them about their religion, they must focus on Allah’s attributes of mercy and love, so they develop a healthy relationship with Allah and expect the best from Him. In a hadith Qudsi, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him said:
“Allah Almighty says: I am as My servants expects of Me. If he thinks good of Me, he will have it. If he thinks evil of Me, he will have it.” (Sahih Ibn Ḥibban, 639)
4. Lying to Children
Whether to bribe, manipulate, or evade responsibility, lying to children weakens their trust and moral foundation. Even seemingly small lies teach them that dishonesty is acceptable. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, stressed the importance of honesty even in small matters:
“Whoever says to a child, ‘Come here and take this,’ then does not give him something, this is counted as a lie.” (Abu Dawood, 4991)
Children learn by example. When parents model truthfulness, they raise children who value integrity and trust.
5. Being Unfair or Inconsistent in Treatment of Children
Fairness among children is a foundational principle in Islamic parenting. Preferring one child over another, whether in material gifts, emotional attention, or praise, can create long-lasting emotional wounds and fuel bitter sibling rivalries. A companion named Nu’maan ibn Basheer said:
“My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth, but my mother, ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah, said, ‘I will not approve of it until you ask the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet o ask him to bear witness to the gift. The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said to him, ‘Have you done the same for all of your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Fear Allah and treat your children justly.’ So my father came back and took back that gift.” (Sahih Bukhari, 2587; Muslim, 1623)
This story shows the seriousness of injustice towards children, especially when it comes from a parent. Favoritism can affect a child's self-esteem and perception of fairness and morality. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, also taught not to favor one gender over another or to prefer male children over female children. Ibn Abbas reported that he said:
“Treat your children equally regarding gifts. If I were to favor anyone, I would have favored women.” (Al-Sunan al-Kubra lil-Bayhaqi, 12000)
Speaking of girl children, Anas reported that a man was with the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, when his son came. He kissed him and sat him down on his thigh. Then, his daughter came and she sat by his side. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Why do you not treat them equally?” (Sharh Maʻani al-Athar, 3838)
These narrations challenge cultural norms that elevate sons over daughters and stress that fairness is a divine obligation, not a personal preference.
6. Gossiping or Backbiting About Family Members to the Child
Gossip and backbiting are sins with serious spiritual and psychological consequences. When parents model this behavior in front of children, or worse, gossip about family members to their children, it normalizes slander and teaches children to dishonor others. Allah says in the Qur’an:
“Woe to every backbiter, slanderer…” (104:1)
According to Ibn Kathir, Ibn `Abbas said, "Humazah Lumazah means one who reviles and disgraces (others)" and Mujahid said, "Al-Humazah is with the hand and the eye, and Al-Lumazah is with the tongue." (Tafsir Ibn Kathir)
Children internalize what they see. When they hear their parents backbite, especially about close relatives, they may imitate their behavior or lose respect for those being slandered. Gossip also erodes trust and destroys the harmony of family life.
7. Turning the Child Against the Other Parent
It is a grave injustice for a parent to turn a child against the other parent. This behavior cuts ties of kinship and places children in painful emotional conflict. Allah commands us:
“O humanity! Be mindful of your Lord, Who created you from a single soul, and from it He created its mate, one and through both He spread countless men and women. And be mindful of Allah—in Whose Name you appeal to one another—and ˹honor˺ family ties. Surely Allah is ever Watchful over you.” (Quran, 4:1)
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“No one who severs ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” (Muslim, 4637)
This includes separating one of the parents from their child or not allowing them to see their children. He also said, “If anyone separates a mother and her child, Allah will separate him and his loved ones on the Day of Resurrection.” (Tirmidhi, 1204)
Children need both parents for their emotional development. Weaponizing a child in marital conflict is not only un-Islamic, it is cruel and traumatizing.
8. Not Expressing Love Verbally or Physically
Affection is essential for a child’s psychological and spiritual well-being. Many cultures mistakenly equate strictness with strength, but the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, emphasized love and mercy.
Abu Huraira reported: Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis saw the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, kissing his grandson Al-Hasan. He said, “I have ten children and I do not kiss any of them.” The Prophet said, “Verily, whoever does not show mercy will not receive mercy.” (Sahih Bukhari, 5997; Sahih Muslim, 2318)
A simple hug, kiss, or “I love you” can validate a child’s worth and create a secure attachment that fosters spiritual resilience and emotional health.
9. Blaming and Shaming Children
Constant criticism and public shaming do not build discipline; instead, they build fear, resentment, and low self-esteem. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, corrected mistakes with gentleness and without humiliating others.
Anas ibn Malik, the young servant of the Prophet, reported: “I served the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, for ten years. By Allah, he never even said to me, ‘Uff!’ He never said harshly, ‘Why did you do that?’ or, ‘Why did you not do that?’ (Sahih Bukhari, 6038; Sahih Muslim, 2309)
Children need correction, not condemnation. Discipline in Islam is about nurturing and guiding, not punishing and shaming.
10. Not Respecting Children’s Secrets or Privacy
Trust is the foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship. Violating a child’s privacy by sharing their secrets or mocking their vulnerabilities can break that trust. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:
“There are four qualities, whoever has all of them is a pure hypocrite, and whoever has some of them has a characteristic of hypocrisy until he gives it up: when he is entrusted with something he betrays that trust; when he speaks he lies; when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when he disputes he resorts to lies and falsehood.” (Sahih Bukhari, 34; Sahih Muslim, 58)
Children who feel safe confiding in their parents are more likely to seek guidance when needed. Respecting their privacy is part of being trustworthy and nurturing their moral development.
Through the Quran and Prophetic guidance, Islam offers a compassionate framework for parenting that emphasizes justice, mercy, honesty, and spiritual responsibility. These teachings are meant to protect the dignity and well-being of children. Toxic behaviors such as favoritism, gossip, emotional neglect, and manipulation not only harm children’s emotional health, but they also violate sacred trusts entrusted to parents. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, embodied a parenting and leadership style rooted in love, fairness, and respect. Following his example, Muslim parents can raise confident, compassionate, and God-conscious children who feel safe, valued, and seen. Let us remember that in the eyes of Allah, the way we treat our children reflects our character and a testimony to our sincerity in faith. Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
“Whoever does not show mercy to our young ones, or acknowledge the rights of our elders, he is not one of us.” (Sunan Abi Dawud, 4943)
Author bio: Wendy Díaz is a Puerto Rican Muslim writer, award-winning poet, translator, and mother of six (ages ranging from toddler to teen). She co-founded Hablamos Islam, a non-profit organization that produces educational resources about Islam in Spanish (hablamosislam.org). She has written, illustrated, and published over a dozen children’s books and lives with her family in Maryland. Follow Wendy Díaz on social media @authorwendydiaz and @hablamosislam
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