In the journey of parenting, we often focus on shaping the behavior of our children—teaching them kindness, patience, honesty, and responsibility. Yet one of the most powerful lessons we can give them is not delivered through lectures, but demonstrated through the way we discipline our nafs—our inner self and its desires. Training the nafs is the foundation of character building, and when parents actively engage in this process, they model a living example of Islamic character for their families.
The nafs refers to the self that inclines toward desires, impulses, and emotions. Left unchecked, it pulls a person toward ease, anger, pride, and indulgence. But when disciplined through faith and intention, it becomes a pathway to spiritual growth and noble character. Allah Most High reminds us in the Qur’an:
“And as for he who feared standing before his Lord and restrained the soul from its desires, then indeed, Paradise will be his refuge.”
(An-Nazi‘at:40–41)
The Qur’an describes three states of the nafs, each reflecting a different level of spiritual development. Understanding these helps us recognize where we are and what we should strive for.
The Three Types of Nafs
Nafs al-Ammarah (The Commanding Self):
This is the lowest state, inclined toward sin and immediate gratification. It urges a person to follow desires without restraint. Allah Most High refers to it in the story of Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him):
“Indeed, the soul is ever inclined to evil, except those upon whom my Lord has mercy.”
(Yusuf:53)
Nafs al-Lawwamah (The Self-Reproaching Soul):
This is the stage of awareness and inner struggle. A person feels guilt after wrongdoing and strives to improve, even if they fall short at times. Allah Most HIgh swears by this state, highlighting its importance:
“And I swear by the self-reproaching soul.”
(Al-Qiyamah:2)
Nafs al-Mutma’innah (The Tranquil Soul):
This is the highest state, where the heart finds peace in obedience to Allah Most High. Desires are aligned with faith, and the soul is content with Allah’s decree. Allah Most High addresses it with honor:
“O tranquil soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [to Him].”
(Al-Fajr:27–28)
These stages remind us that disciplining the nafs is a journey—from resisting harmful urges, to struggling with self-correction, to eventually finding inner peace through submission to Allah SWT.
Controlling the nafs is not about suppressing emotions or denying our humanity. Rather, it is about directing our impulses toward what pleases Allah SWT and away from what harms our souls. Every moment we choose patience over anger, generosity over selfishness, or humility over pride, we are training the nafs.
Many of the qualities we admire most—patience, discipline, forgiveness, and sincerity—are formed in moments when the nafs desires something else. When a parent feels the urge to yell but doesn’t, character is being built. When a person seeks recognition but chooses sincerity, character is being built. When someone desires revenge but offers forgiveness, character is being built. Allah Most High praises those who restrain themselves:
“And those who restrain anger and pardon people—Allah loves the doers of good.”
(Al ‘Imran:134)
Every act of restraint is a spiritual workout. Just as muscles strengthen through resistance, the heart strengthens when it pushes back against the pull of the nafs.
Training the nafs requires conscious intention and reflection. Parents must be deliberate about their character development because children absorb not only what we teach, but how we live.
Before reacting in a challenging moment, pause and ask:
- What response would please Allah most right now?
- What lesson will my children learn from how I handle this moment?
- Is this my ego speaking, or my faith?
This simple pause creates space between impulse and action—the very place where character is built.
No one can fully discipline the nafs through willpower alone. The heart needs divine guidance and constant renewal, which is why turning to Allah SWT through du‘a and worship is essential in this process. Allah Most High promises:
“And those who strive for Us—We will surely guide them to Our ways.”
(Al-‘Ankabut:69)
Make it a habit to ask Allah SWT for help. The Prophet, peace and blessings upon him, frequently made du‘a for beautiful character, teaching us that character development is itself an act of worship. Parents can also involve their children in this practice by making du‘a together for patience, kindness, and sincerity.
One of the most powerful ways to train the nafs is to study the life of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. The Seerah is not only history; it is a blueprint for character. Allah Most High says:
“Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have an excellent example for whoever hopes in Allah and the Last Day.”
(Al-Ahzab:21)
When we study the Prophet's peace and blessings upon him, we see how he responded when insulted, how he treated children, how he forgave enemies, and how he remained humble. Reflecting on this, we can ask ourselves:
- What character traits defined the Prophet, peace and blessings upon him?
- Which of these traits do I struggle with most?
- How can I practice even one of them in my daily life?
This kind of reflection transforms the Seerah into personal development.
Practical Ways to Train the Nafs
- Pause Before Reacting: When emotions rise, take a breath before responding. This moment of restraint weakens the grip of the nafs.
- Practice Quiet Acts of Sincerity: Do good deeds that no one else sees. This trains the heart away from seeking praise.
- Embrace Small Sacrifices: Whether giving charity when you want to save or waking early for prayer when you want sleep, these acts strengthen discipline.
- Reflect Daily: Ask yourself where your nafs led you, where you overcame it, and what you can improve tomorrow.
- Involve Your Children: Share moments when you controlled anger or desires. This teaches them that self-discipline is a lifelong effort.
Children learn character from observation. When parents apologize after mistakes, control anger, choose honesty, and seek forgiveness from Allah Most High, they internalize these values.
A home where the nafs is actively trained becomes a place where humility, patience, and sincerity naturally grow. In this way, disciplining the nafs does not only build individual character it shapes the moral environment of the entire family.
Training the nafs is a lifelong process. There will be moments of success and moments of struggle, and what matters most is the intention to continue striving.
Let us leave our children with one of the most valuable inheritances possible: the living example of a heart striving toward Allah most High.
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