The divorce rate in America is one of the highest in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus.
Yes, it's true. Muslims today are divorcing in larger numbers than before. There are clearly problems within families that have not been addressed: dysfunction, miscommunication, and in a number of cases violence and abuse.
But while Muslims are taking this step in larger numbers, what does Islam have to say about it?
The Islamic perspective on divorce
"Divorce is something that is very much discouraged in Islam," explains Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).
"It is called, according to one of the Hadith of the Prophet Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'the most hateful thing that is permissible.'"
This stance discouraging divorce needs to be seen in a balanced way, notes Siddiqi.
"It has to be used very carefully," he says.
What are some legitimate reasons for a couple to consider divorce?
There are definitely valid reasons Muslim men and women can seek divorce.
"One legitimate reason is if there is immoral behavior, unIslamic behavior on the part of a spouse," says Siddiqi. "If a spouse is involved in that, then there is a breakdown."
"For example if one of the spouses, God forbid, is involved in adultery or fornication. In that case, they have a right to separate and this is a legitimate ground for separation."
Another valid reason for divorce is apostasy on the part of either spouse. If a Muslim man or woman's spouse leaves Islam, Siddiqi says the marriage is null and void and the couple can no longer be together.
Abdalla Idris Ali is a member of ISNA's executive body and former president of the organization. He adds to the list of legitimate reasons for seeking divorce dishonesty prior to marriage.
For instance, if a husband told his wife before marriage that he did not consume alcohol or drugs and she discovers after marriage that he is an alcoholic or drug addict.
Some other reasons are:
- a woman was married before and she did not tell her husband
- a woman marries man and he is impotent, and she finds out after marriage.
- cruelty
- a man's inability or refusal to support his wife
- a wife's refusal to live with her husband or be with him.
- if one of the spouses is unable to have conjugal relations
- one spouse feels repulsion towards the other.
Ali, however, cautions against jumping to divorce quickly and adds that every case has to be looked at individually.
"It is one thing to speak about a ruling. It is another thing to speak about a judgement in a certain case," he says in an interview with Sound Vision and RadioIslam.com.
"If you ask me now, what is the ruling in Islam for a young man who commits Zina (adultery and fornication)? I'll tell you Allah says, give him 100 lashes. This is what the Quran says."
"But you bring me a man and say, this man committed Zina. I'm not going just to give him 100 lashes. This is a case. I have to investigate it, to see whether he did it, you cannot just go and apply the rule."
Illegitimate reasons to seek divorce
Along with legitimate reasons for seeking divorce, Siddiqi and Ali also point to those that are not so acceptable.
Siddiqi gives the example of a husband not liking the way a wife cooks or dresses.
"One should not expect perfection on the part of the spouse because nobody's perfect except Allah and His Messenger. Everybody has shortcomings," he says in an interview with Sound Vision from his home in Orange County, California.
"One should have willingness to sacrifice some of the things," he adds. "This is how the family is established, how it becomes a better family.
Another reason that should not be grounds for divorce is just moodiness on the part of a spouse, says Ali.
What can couples do to avoid divorce?
Siddiqi recommends the following steps to couples who are in difficulty:
1. Both spouses should have the fear of Allah. They should remember that if they are unfair to their spouse, they will be judged on their behavior by Allah.
2. They should try to resolve the problem amongst themselves, then within family members
3. They should not hesitate to involve other members of the community. For instance, they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to meet and speak with their local Imam (if he is someone fair and trustworthy to the husband and the wife).
4. Seek counseling, preferably from a Muslim counselor. If that is not possible than from a non-Muslim counselor. However, they should be aware of Islamic guidelines so they can take advice from that which is in line with Islamic values.
"As physically we can get sick, our relations also can get sick sometimes," says Siddiqi. "The sooner we take care of this problem the better. We should not prolong it. We should resolve the differences as soon as possible and as much as possible. But when problems go on and on, then the wounds will grow."
Siddiqi recommends Muslim couples draft a prenuptial agreement and specify that all conflicts in marriage should be resolved Islamically and in the case of divorce, this process, if it happens, is also handled in a manner in line with Islamic guidelines.
Comments
Divorce
Waaleykum salam. My sister I would advice you to divorce him coz he's committing adultery and you also said u don't love. I know it might be because you don't trust him anymore but it's not healthy for you to stay in that kind of relationship. It also seems like he doesn't want to have kids b'coz if he did he would have gone for the check up. May Allah help you
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A cheater will always cheat,
A cheater will always cheat, no matter of what. If you believe he is cheating on you then leave him. He will always find an excuse to betray u. Sometimes people come to our life to teach us lesson. May be there is someone else better waiting for u.
Been married over 20 yrs
Salaam. I just want some advise. I been married to this man for over 20 yrs now and everyday of those 20 yrs he's very abuseive yells, used bed words to me around are grown kids and beats me a lot and i just want to know can I divorce him for these reasons. And he also treats me like a
Maid and tell me he can't stand me. And I just stopped loving him for those reasons please tell me, any advice.
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If your husband beating u or
If your husband beating u or treating u like this then plz don't wait and leave him. See, many women feel hesitate to leave her husband because they think he will get better. But from my experience i see this is a cycle of abuse. For all u know he may be cheating on u too. This type of man r capable of anything. Its an advise take it or leave it.
Our society is ruining women's lives by forcing them to continue
Im a victim of a wrong marriage tht ws continued for 7 years bcos people around us wanted it
He was involved in adultery before n after marriage n had STIs which he transferred to me but a gud doctor helped me recover n my parents bear expenses
His family lied abt him,his business,property n after hust 1 year of marriage my father started providing me n my new born son
He wanted to convert to other religion for money so he wantef to leave Islam
He n his family continuously tortured me mentally n physically n he n his bros wife evn tried to kill me n I had to take refuge with my parents but after only a few days people around us gathered n forced me to go back to him
Such gathering took place fr more than 10 times bcos he n his family agreed on the spot bt backed off when I was alone with them
This is only one story out of millions of poor Pakistani girls who suffer even to death due to the social pressures,parents r especially afraid of what will everyone say if their daughter seek divorce
Now I hav 3 kids with such a low qualification cos I got married before I could complete my graduation at the age of 19 I cannot evn afford their school fee n hav to depend on my brother n father
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My wife plan divoice because i m diagnosed as azoospermia
We been married for over 4 years now and diagnose as azoopermia, having no sperms and she was advice by her consultancies to leave the marriage. This has generated to problems in the family.
she approached me and said a lot of people told the mother that I can give birth meaning I myself was aware of my problem before marring her, which I did know about in any way. so she is contemplating to divorce and get married for children because she can stay to waste more years.
According to her the parents said she should decide whether to stay or divorce. Also she said the former boyfriend whom she been discussion about our marriage told her not to fight with me before she leaves, given examples of people who married for a long time and could not give birth but later divorce and got married to other men and start given birth.
I agreed with her because, that is her opinion and for the sake of ALLAH i felt so much for her the trauma she is going through which made her to do things consciously or unconsciously that affects me greatly both at work and in my academic work and i don't have the power to force ALLAH to give us birth or force her to stay because i love her and never think of disappointing her any way.
I told her that if she married me because of children and is not forthcoming and she cant wait for ALLAH's time, her decision is welcome but if she married me for the sake of fulfilling the promised of ALLAH
she should organized herself and wait for ALLAH to answer our prayers
In Islam is it right for me to said so.
is it a good reason for her to use my health as yardstick to seek for divorce.
Did the advice given by the parents and the others reasonable.
Can I have faith in her if she decide to stay back.
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seeking for advice
Have been with this guy for 2yrs now it me DAT pay the house rent my baby sch fee ,feeding e.tc he refuse to get himself a job always complaining DAT he doesn't want to work under anyone of which I have tried helping him financially but he ended up spending the money and came back to tell me DAT I didn't give him the money from my heart any way a lot of fins have happen but I fink I am tied now
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what do I do
Im married 15 yrs , I found out that he was married n he told me they were divorced then after we were married with 2 kids he told me they were always married n knew I wouldnt marry him. Then now after all this time he has only seen her 2 times in this times . Hes not their for me wont do anything with me , but says he lives me ! Help im a convert n need to know what to do !
Divorce
Asc,
I have been married for a year and a half. I left my country to come and live with my husband so we could spend time together. the issue is ever since we got married he seem to have changed she never spend any time with me and complains that he has to provide for me because I don't work here.to make a long story short I don't think the love is here anymore and to be honest I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy on somebody whose heart left a long time ago.he says that I will never find another man like him and that my life will just go downhill if I leave him. is this valid ground for me to leave seeing that I am unhappy
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Divorce
Might you too much idealising marriage . Every man will spend less time with wife after marriage. And if he earning money you should be happy, because there men's who don't want earn money and want that only women work,look after baby and home,and cook in 1 pack all . If you feel not happy about his leak of time together then might should yourself consider for part time work not only for money but just not to feel bored, or sad at home. Ones you be bussy it will not need that much intention from husband. Or get baby to entertine your self. But worming : baby is big job. Not part time:) Full time.
And if he say ,then you ask ,that he loves you, then mean he do love you. But for feel more love ask him better when he come from job or go to job kisses or hug. Or bring food before come home to have at home dinner. That also love.or wach TV together. Or talk what he did at work. If he shares, he show you love too.
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