Reasons to consider divorce | SoundVision.com

Reasons to consider divorce

Reasons to consider divorce

The divorce rate in America is one of the highest in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus.

Yes, it's true. Muslims today are divorcing in larger numbers than before. There are clearly problems within families that have not been addressed: dysfunction, miscommunication, and in a number of cases violence and abuse.

But while Muslims are taking this step in larger numbers, what does Islam have to say about it?

The Islamic perspective on divorce

"Divorce is something that is very much discouraged in Islam," explains Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).

"It is called, according to one of the Hadith of the Prophet Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'the most hateful thing that is permissible.'"

This stance discouraging divorce needs to be seen in a balanced way, notes Siddiqi.

"It has to be used very carefully," he says.

What are some legitimate reasons for a couple to consider divorce?

There are definitely valid reasons Muslim men and women can seek divorce.

"One legitimate reason is if there is immoral behavior, unIslamic behavior on the part of a spouse," says Siddiqi. "If a spouse is involved in that, then there is a breakdown."

"For example if one of the spouses, God forbid, is involved in adultery or fornication. In that case, they have a right to separate and this is a legitimate ground for separation."

Another valid reason for divorce is apostasy on the part of either spouse. If a Muslim man or woman's spouse leaves Islam, Siddiqi says the marriage is null and void and the couple can no longer be together.

Abdalla Idris Ali is a member of ISNA's executive body and former president of the organization. He adds to the list of legitimate reasons for seeking divorce dishonesty prior to marriage.

For instance, if a husband told his wife before marriage that he did not consume alcohol or drugs and she discovers after marriage that he is an alcoholic or drug addict.

Some other reasons are:

  • a woman was married before and she did not tell her husband
  • a woman marries man and he is impotent, and she finds out after marriage.
  • cruelty
  • a man's inability or refusal to support his wife
  • a wife's refusal to live with her husband or be with him.
  • if one of the spouses is unable to have conjugal relations
  • one spouse feels repulsion towards the other.

Ali, however, cautions against jumping to divorce quickly and adds that every case has to be looked at individually.

"It is one thing to speak about a ruling. It is another thing to speak about a judgement in a certain case," he says in an interview with Sound Vision and RadioIslam.com.

"If you ask me now, what is the ruling in Islam for a young man who commits Zina (adultery and fornication)? I'll tell you Allah says, give him 100 lashes. This is what the Quran says."

"But you bring me a man and say, this man committed Zina. I'm not going just to give him 100 lashes. This is a case. I have to investigate it, to see whether he did it, you cannot just go and apply the rule."

Illegitimate reasons to seek divorce

Along with legitimate reasons for seeking divorce, Siddiqi and Ali also point to those that are not so acceptable.

Siddiqi gives the example of a husband not liking the way a wife cooks or dresses.

"One should not expect perfection on the part of the spouse because nobody's perfect except Allah and His Messenger. Everybody has shortcomings," he says in an interview with Sound Vision from his home in Orange County, California.

"One should have willingness to sacrifice some of the things," he adds. "This is how the family is established, how it becomes a better family.

Another reason that should not be grounds for divorce is just moodiness on the part of a spouse, says Ali.

What can couples do to avoid divorce?

Siddiqi recommends the following steps to couples who are in difficulty:

1. Both spouses should have the fear of Allah. They should remember that if they are unfair to their spouse, they will be judged on their behavior by Allah.
2. They should try to resolve the problem amongst themselves, then within family members
3. They should not hesitate to involve other members of the community. For instance, they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to meet and speak with their local Imam (if he is someone fair and trustworthy to the husband and the wife).
4. Seek counseling, preferably from a Muslim counselor. If that is not possible than from a non-Muslim counselor. However, they should be aware of Islamic guidelines so they can take advice from that which is in line with Islamic values.

"As physically we can get sick, our relations also can get sick sometimes," says Siddiqi. "The sooner we take care of this problem the better. We should not prolong it. We should resolve the differences as soon as possible and as much as possible. But when problems go on and on, then the wounds will grow."

Siddiqi recommends Muslim couples draft a prenuptial agreement and specify that all conflicts in marriage should be resolved Islamically and in the case of divorce, this process, if it happens, is also handled in a manner in line with Islamic guidelines.

Comments

Assalamualaikum. I have been married for 18 years & have 2 teen age kids .My wife suffers from mental health issues , which she refuses to acknowledge & for which she refuses to be treated .B'coz of these issues , my life & the life of our kids has become miserable .I have tried to involve members of her family ( brothers & sisters - parents are not alive ) to mediate & resolve these issues , but due to internal differences amongst themselves , no one from her side of the family wants to arbitrate / mediate / even talk to her about it . My side of the family are fully aware of the crisis in my life Pls advice what are the options available to me as a husband & a father.

Location

UAE

assalamu alaikum
on february i was officially nikkahed to a guy in uk. all this came out as  a proposal at first i refused it because iam a law student i come from a good family background my sister is living in uk and my brother is an aeronautical engineer and our family is financially stable as well hamdullillah.howver the guy i got engaged is not well educated and does not have a financially stable family background he lives in uk and my sister somehow managed to convince all of us saying he is a very good guy and very understanding. i dont want to degrade anyone or devalue anyone in the process becausee Allah blesses us all differently its been two months but still i couldnt accept the fact iam officially married and couldnt yet commit in this relationship i feel it very hard and sometimes suffocating. to be honest he is a very very good person very understanding but does that mean i should force myself to love him the differences between us keep on knocking my heaad tried my best but i find it very hard and i get depressed. evrytime i feel like i want to end this before things get worse i end up judging myself as the most rudest and selfish person. i cant be hurting him because honestly he has nt prejudiced me in anyway i have been ignoring him for the past few days and what i felt was iam not at all missing him iam happier alone besides parents have arranged our wedding by august in sha Allah but i want to come out of this confusion  by Allah idont want to degrade anyone deep in my heart i only wish him to be a better off person i pray Allah should give him the best in evrything in sha Allah i tried to talk to many people but in the end evryone was like iam being judgemental i honestly dont know what i should do iam confused to such an extent i feel like i want to throw away evrything and disappear for some time please advice me what i should do with my confused feeling should i just contnue this relationship hoping things would go fine or end it before things could just get worse. please. thaank you

In Islam marriage is a contract and consent of bride and groom is required witnessed by minimum 2 persons. So you can come out of Nikah anytime if u do not feel ok. There is the process for coming out of Nikah by showing a reason - u may have been given wrong information by your sister which is the main issue here. In Islam there is nothing called love as we see or define love in the West. In islam love is censored as immoral, islamic love is centered around family which forms out of social recognition, rights of women in property of father and husband, right to be treated favourably by the husband, loyalty and fear of Allah. Pls note if there has not been any sexual consummation, the marriage in null and void after 7 years.

Location

Canada

Salaam sister
I am in a similar situation to you and would like to speak to you
In Sha allah things have gotten better for you

Location

Stirling

U personaly talk with that guy n get things clarify. U perform istikhara namaz n ask Allah. No body is perfect something u need to adjust. If the guy is religious .good looking. Hvg good job than go for it. Or else move on. ALLAH KNOWS THE BEST

Aslamualikum Sir,
Me and my husband been married since 8 years. Since than I am earning. He has problem of waking up n going for job. I have Been working since 10_12 years n supporting both of us continuously. When I talk about planning our family he says if you going to have kids how I am alone going to support the family. He doesn't pray, can't continue one job, doesn't listen when I ask him to attend at least Friday prayer.
Over the years I thought he s going to change his behavior n get serious about me as wife n start taking his responsibilities. But it seems he not going to get serious anytime. I don't love him. I asked for divorse he requested me n my family to give home time. But it's been two years his attitude towards work and prayers is same. What should I do? I want to have peaceful life with reliable husband n kids.

Please advise in light of Quran n sunah
Regards,
Muslim Sister..

Location

Saudia

Assalamoalikum Wr Br.
I want to say sorry . I can't speak english .Can some want translated if is possible , Please
I write in Urdu .if some one can help .please help me .
Because no one here beside me that i ask any thing .
and all time i ask to Allah SWT to get any help form him Only .
Meri Shadi ko 18 years ho gaye hen aur mere 4 childrens hen .
Aur pichle 16 years se mere husband ka mere sath suluk achha nahi he.
lekin itne saal yehi soch ke guzar diye ke mere huaband ka behavior ek din thik ho jaye ga Inshallah . Un hone mujhe har tarha se torcher kiya mantaly and phisicaly . pehle pehle to mujhe meri family ke tane diye kuchh saal tak , phir mujhe meri ammi aboo se family three years tak cut karwa diya . main un se nahi milty thi .
phir is Dorran mujhe ye tane dene shuru kiye ke main bohot Badsurat hoon ,aur main bohot short hoon , us ke liye bhi bohot tang kiya ke maine tang ake unki dusri shadi ke liye keh diya ,aur unho ne second marriage karli . Us me un ki family ne pura pura sath diya , Aur Maine apni family walo se sab kuchh hide kiya , now us woman se two kids hen . lekin mere husband ka abhi tak mere sath behavior thik nahi he . Ab woh mujhe har wakt tana dete hen ke main kuchh nahi karti hoon aur woh job karte hen to un ke samne kuchh na kahoon ,even ke family matters pe bhi na discussion karoon ,Bacho ki koi baat karti hoon to fight karte hen aur mujhe har baat me mere bacho ke samne bohot beizzat karte hen , aur bacho ko mere bil kol khilaf kar diya hen , Mere bache meri respect bhi nahi karte hen , aur bacho se kuchh bhi kahon to kehte hen app log bhi to larte rehte hen ,mujhe kuchh smajh nahi atti he ke kya karoon . Aur unhone canada ke law ki wajh se unki second marreage hide kar ne ke liye mujh se separation bhi dikha diya he ,form 2009 se ke hum separated hen .
Morning ho ya evening ho jab bhi woh ghar pe atte hen fight kar te hen. Har waakt job ke liye rote rehte hen ke main job kar ke thak gaya hoon , every year 3 months ke liye pakistan chale jate hen .kayi baar mujhe bhi keh chuke hen ke main job karoon aur woh ghar pe rahe . Aur un hone mujhe se yeh promise kar ke second marriage ki thi ke woh one year me uss woman ko chhor denge , ek baby us woman se leke ,woh use divorce kar denge .lekin ab woh kehte hen ke woh ab usse nahi chhoren ge kion ke uss ke paas us ke kids hen . Mera trust to kab se unse uthh chuka he , But main apne bacho ke liye Nibha rahi thi lekin ab to bohot ziyada fight karte hen . Itne gande gande word us karte hen bachhe bhi sun rahen hote hen , And woh mujhe keh chuke hen ke main live karoon un ko phir main apne brother ke ghar chali gayi thi .Lekin apne bacho ke liye phir wapass agayi . Aur mujhe sexual bhi problem ho gayi he last 6 years se ,lekin phir bhi woh sex karte hen ,mere mana karne ke baad bhi . Mujhe bohot problem he doctor se bhi follow kiya lekin phir bhi abhi tak main thik nahi hoon . Kuch time maine unse Talaq ka bhi mutalla kiya , lekin woh kehte hen tujhe divorce leni ho to le le lekin woh mujhe divorce nahi denge . Aur Ab baar baar mujhe kehte hen ke Main Jahannam me jaoongi woh mujhe is tarha se ab torcher karte hen .Main five time namza parti hoon Full nakab karti hoon , My father is Immam , Lekin sab se darte huwe kisi se kuchh nahi kehti hoon aur
Allah SWT kehta he Sabar karo to main isliye Sabar kar rahi hoon . Jab mera sabar khatam ho jata he to kai baar maine suicide kar ne ki bhi koshis ki he ke meri jaan Mere Husband se chhot jaye , Itni taklif pohanch te hen , Phir Allah se dua karti hoon ke woh mere liye koi rasta dikha ye ,Jab bhi talaq lena chati hoon to dunia walo ke bare me sochti hoon aur apne bacho ke baare me soch atti he . Lekin Ajj Is website pe sab ke masle dekhe to dil kiya ke app logo se help mangoon ke app log mujhe guide kare ke main kya karoon.
Aur bohot si baate hen jo main online nahi bata sakti hoon .
Kya mujhe still mere hasband ke sath guzara kar lena chahiye ya Main talaq le sakti hoon .
Aur talaq lesakti hoon to kya process he mujhe bata ye ,Aur mujhe
Mere bacho ke alawa unse kuchh nahi chahiye.
InshAllah koi to Allah ke liye help kare ga .
JazakAllah Khair

Location

canada

Walaikumasalam warehmat Allah

Assiya Ji,

Hazrat Ali AS ne farmaya hai ki "zulm karnay walay se bada gunahgaar zulm ko sehnay wala hai"... please agar ap ka walis Sahab Imam hain to wo apko zaroor sahi rasta batayenge. Ap ne bohat sabr kiya hai kabhi husband k liye kabhi parents k liye kabhi bachon k liye ... agar ap ka husband ye sab kar raha hai to wo apnay liye JAHANUM tayar kar raha hai..... aur bardasht Mat karo apnay walis Sahab se baat kar Kay masala khatm karo

Allah ap ko khushi de
Amen

Location

UAE

Www.family-action.org.uk/friendshipworks

Salam sister mere pas itna experience nhe hain Urdu mein likna but I'll try apne jo likha meine Sara para pr bot ziada and kafi personal bate hain toh mein itna nahi likunga. Sorry meri behein bot dukh huwa par ke apki kafi baate se meri apni ex bivi ke bare mein baate yaad aya so I speak from experience ke apne sari apne shadi mein uski baate sunn sunn ke yaha ab ponchi, yeh socho agar tum uska zid na maanti dusri shadi ke liye woh ab tak maybe tumko chor deta ya koi Larki ke saat friendship rakh leta so mere tera yeh na huwe ke tum bhi sabr rakh rakh ke woh bhi aur koi damaka na chor de tumare shadi mein, at least tumare pass kuch acha to nikla ke tumare pass 4 pyare bache hain aur inshallah unko pata chal jaye ga ke kon sahi aur galat hain. Aur bhi kafi bata hain mein bolna chata hoon pr this isn't the right place inshallah eventually Sab kuch apke liye sahi hoga behein apne apko ander na maro uske liye be free chordo inshallah jo sahi hain Allah usi ka saath dega.

Location

London

Assalam o Allaikum
Sister the islam you are following is wrong islam never allows cruelty ,physical or sexual relations haram you have full right to take your divorce or khula and read namaz i had same problem i cover and have 3 children i am tall complete good looking women he was hitting too much i am taking i know correct islam they both can kill you ur husband and his wife because my one tried and i find out they are kafir or khawarij your husband may be convert to other religion he is no longer muslim keep in mind DONT TRUST HIM keep money and kids with you islam allows you to save your life use your brain tell police please immediately.

Location

england

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