Ingredients of marital love in Islam

Ingredients of marital love in Islam

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).

"O Humans revere your Guardian Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and from this scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah through Whom you claim your mutual rights" (Quran 4:1).

The above verses of the Quran lay out the framework as to what are the basis, the objectives and the goal of marriage in Islam. In the ultimate Wisdom of Allah we are first told that both partners man and woman are created from the same source. That this should be paid attention to as it is one of His signs.

The fact that we come from the same soul signifies our equality as humans, when the essence of our creation is the same, the argument of who is better or greater is redundant. To stress on this fact and then to talk about marriage in the same verse is of great significance for those of us who are in the field of marriage counseling.

The shift in this attitude of equality of genders as human beings cause a imbalance in marital relation ship that leads to dysfunctional marriage. When ever one party considers themselves superior or above the law there is a shift in the balance of power that may lead to misuse or abuse of power as the less valuable partner is seen as an easy prey. Many marital difficulties are based on or caused by control and rule stratagem.

By stressing on the equality of all humans men or women and making it the basis of marriage, Allah in His infinite wisdom has laid the ground rules for establishing peace, as well as the assigning of different roles to husband and wife as functional strategy rather than a question of competence as humans.

Prophet Mohammad (peace and blessings be upon him) has stated that: "men and women are twin halves of each other" (Bukhari). This Hadith also brings home the fact that men and women are created from single source. Furthermore, by using the analogy of twin half the Prophet has underlined the reciprocal nature and the interdependent nature of men and women's relationship.

The objective and the goal of marriage in Islam according to the above Quranic verse is to enable us to dwell in peace and tranquility. It is important for us to reflect on these words and their significance in the Islamic frame of reference.

In order to have peace certain condition must be met. These prerequisites to peace are Justice, Fairness, Equity, Equality, and fulfillment of mutual rights. Therefore any injustice whether it is oppression, or persecution, cannot be tolerated if there is to be peace in Muslim homes.

In the domestic realm oppression is manifested when the process of Shura (consultation) is compromised, neglected or ignored. When one partner (in most cases the husband) makes unilateral decisions and applies dictatorial style of leadership, peace is compromised. Persecution is present when there is any form of domestic abuse being perpetrated.

Tranquility on the other hand is a state of being which is achieved when peace has been established. Tranquility is compromised when there is tension, stress and anger. It is a mistake to take tranquility to mean perpetual state of bliss. Since being Muslims does not make us immune to tragedies and catastrophes.

In fact Allah tells us in the Quran that we will be tried (2:155,57). What a state of tranquility does is to empower us to handle life's difficult moments with our spouses as obedient servants of Allah. Allah in His infinite Mercy also provides us with the tools by which we can achieve this state of peace and tranquility.

The second principle besides Shura on which the Islamic family life is based is Mercy (Rehma), and in this verse Allah is telling us that He has placed mercy between spouses. We are therefore inclined by our very nature to have mercy for our spouses. Mercy is manifested through compassion, forgiveness, caring and humility.

It is obvious that these are all ingredients that make for a successful partnership. Marriage in Islam is above all a partnership based on equality of partners and specification of roles. Lack of mercy in a marriage or a family renders it in Islamic terms dysfunctional.

Allah further states that He has also placed in addition to mercy, love between spouses. It should however be noted that Islamic concept of love is different from the more commonly understood romantic love so valued in the Western cultures.

The basic difference is that love between man and woman in the Islamic context can only be realized and expressed in a legal marriage. In order to develop a healthy avenue for the expression of love between man and woman and to provide security so that such a loving relationship can flourish, it is necessary to give it the protection of Shariah (Islamic law).

Marital love in Islam inculcates the following:

Faith: The love Muslim spouses have for each other is for the sake of Allah that is to gain His pleasure. It is from Allah that we claim our mutual rights (Quran 4:1) and it is to Allah that we are accountable for our behavior as husbands and wives.

It sustains: Love is not to consume but to sustain. Allah expresses His love for us by providing sustenance. To love in Islam is to sustain our loved one physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, to the best of our ability (to sustain materially is the husbands duty, however if the wife wishes she can also contribute)

Accepts: To love someone is to accept them for who they are. It is selfishness to try and mould someone as we wish them to be. True love does not attempt to crush individuality or control personal differences, but is magnanimous and secure to accommodate differences.

Challenges: Love challenges us to be all we can, it encourages us to tap into our talents and takes pride in our achievements. To enable our loved one to realize their potential is the most rewarding experience.

Merciful: Mercy compels us to love and love compels us to have mercy. In the Islamic context the two are synonymous. The attribute Allah chose to be the supreme for Himself is that He is the most Merciful. This attribute of Rehman (the Merciful) is mentioned 170 times in the Quran, bringing home the significance for believers to be merciful. Mercy in practical application means to have and show compassion and to be charitable.

Forgiving: Love is never too proud to seek forgiveness or too stingy to forgive. It is willing to let go of hurt and letdowns. Forgiveness allows us the opportunity to improve and correct our selves.

Respect: To love is to respect and value the person their contributions and their opinions. Respect does not allow us to take for granted our loved ones or to ignore their input. How we interact with our spouses reflects whether we respect them or not.

Confidentiality: Trust is the most essential ingredient of love. When trust is betrayed and confidentiality compromised, love loses its soul.

Caring: Love fosters a deep fondness that dictates caring and sharing in all that we do. The needs of our loved ones take precedence over our own.

Kindness: The Seerah (biography) of our beloved Prophet is rich with examples of acts of kindness, he showed towards his family and particularly his wives. Even when his patience was tried, he was never unkind in word or deed. To love is to be kind.

Grows: Marital love is not static it grows and flourishes with each day of marital life. It requires work and commitment, and is nourished through faith when we are thankful and appreciative of Allah blessings.

Enhances: Love enhances our image and beautifies our world. It provides emotional security and physical well being.

Selflessness: Love gives unconditionally and protects dutifully.

Truthful: Love is honesty without cruelty and loyalty without compromise.

Comments

slm, after reading this article by the sista , i am really impressed . I am still abit too young for marriage ( 17) but u still need to learn these things as you gradually get old. I hav one problem though , i really like sum1 , but i dnt want to hurt this person in any way. Im even thinkin of havin her as my perspective wife, inshallah. what should i do? propose to her ? Or shall i wait for the ryt moment? jazakallah... once agen fab article...

Location

England

this info was very helpful. I am about to be married to a muslim man whom I have 2 beautiful children with although I am not a muslim. Thank You

Location

florida

Its great coming across this site. May allah give you enough resouses to do alot of reaseching and keep on writing more about COCERNS OF MUSLIMS. lONG LIFE TO YOU AND SUCESS IN WHATAVER YOUR DOING IS MY WISH FOR YOU.

Location

Uganda

I felt glad reading the article, it gives me hope 'n' helped me to understand marriage bonds 'n' hopefully resolve issues in my life for better. Allahu Akbar - Allah is the Greater.

Location

England

excellent comments.

Location

peshawar

ASSALAMOALIKOM, this is truly the best discription of love and marriage.

Location

peshawar

I tink dis is great i dnt know why our parents are so protective if smone luves u n if they reach up 2 wateva you have written i dnt see the problem in marryin emi tink as long as they are Muslims they change from someone bad to someone good just for you i tink dats da least u can do wen marryin themi hope Allah gives everyone happens and they get who they love

Location

Manchester

assallamu alaikum. I like your write up . I had always felt men are superior to women in islam but now i have realised the fact. please could make me understand why men are allowed to marry more than one wife.

Location

Nigeria

This article was really helpful in laying out the framework of an Islamic marriage. I have read both the article and the feedbacks. For Arshed from Islamabad, you made a comment on the quote directly from the article "Man will assume the leadership role. His rule will be conducted." The keyword here is ASSUME, that's the problem I guess, men tend to ASSUME and then try to justify their assumptions by often putting the blame on the women. 21st century women do not want to argue that men assume, because surely you have showed that you are assuming.

Location

USA

assalamualaikum my brothers and sister..I think this is a really good site for the muslims in the world who are interested in marriage and love.The parents of the muslim boys and girls who want to marry each other because they are in love should use this site to guide themselves to the right path and tho the righ decision on what to do and how to do it if their children are interested in marriage with someone they are in love with.marrying someone you love isn't wrong. muslim parents should unbderstan the fact that their children will live happily if they are married where they want with whom they want.PLEASE LET ME MAKE THE MESSAGE CLEAR TO ALL THE MUSLIMS TO BE TRUSTWORHTY, RLEIABLE, HONEST AND SUPPORTIVE TOWARDS THE PEOPLE WHO YOU LOVE AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU BECAUSE IF YOU'R NOT THE ABOVE,, THEN YOU ARE NOT ONLY CHEATING THE MIND AND HEART OF THE PEOPLE,, YOU ARE ALSO HURTIN ALLAH TA'ALLAH.THANKYOU

Location

England

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