Providing Support and Care for our Elders

Elderly parents and relatives are a huge blessing in our lives. They are an integral part of our families as they help pass on tried and tested wisdom, help raise our children, and shower us with unconditional love. But what if that blessing becomes a test? A test that tends to happen during our middle age, one of the busiest periods of our lifetime. 

There is a huge demographic shift happening where more and more people are living longer. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), in 2020 the number of people aged 60 years and older has outnumbered children younger than 5 years. Governments and agencies have slowly been making policies and systems to adapt to this change. 

On an individual level, taking care of elderly parents or other older adults on a day-to-day basis can take a toll on their children physically, emotionally, financially, and impact both schedules and priorities. Family members often come together to help take care of their parents. Others may choose for their parents to live in a retirement community, in assisted living, or in a nursing home. All these choices are hard ones to touch to make for everyone involved. 

Allah has given us a simple outline in the Quran on how to care for our aging parents.

“Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, or scold them, but say a generous word to them. And act humbly to them in mercy, and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy on them, since they cared for me when I was small.’” 

(Surah Isra, 17:23-24)

When Elderly Care Begins 

There are various situations that eventually bring us into elderly care of our parents or relatives. Sometimes the death of their spouse, a sudden injury, or difficult illness leads us to make the decision to bring them under our roof or look for assisted living services for their home. 

Despite the challenges that may come with taking care of them, we must see the many benefits that come with it. Firstly, young children can receive much undivided loving attention, which is something parents cannot provide on a daily basis. My toddlers, for example, receive much playful and loving attention from their grandfather who lives with us. They look forward to seeing him every morning, and have special activities they do with him such as playing sports, going to the park and for walks, and reading books. Their grandfather equally enjoys their company and is quite happy and active because of it. 

Elderly family members also have acquired many life skills such as fixing things around the house or the car, cooking traditional meals, sewing clothes, and many other skills we may not have the time to learn otherwise. They have the time to help or teach us these skills. 

Lastly, elderly relatives provide us with much wisdom and hope when it comes to life’s difficulties as they have been through them already. When one of us feels overwhelmed by hardship, they are often the ones who make duaa (supplication) for us and guide us with loving words. 

The care older adults may need depends on their physical and mental health, their living circumstances, and overall mobility. According to WHO, “Some 80-year-olds have physical and mental capacities similar to many 30-year-olds. Other people experience significant declines in capacities at much younger ages.” For these considerations and care levels, it will be important to consult with the individual’s medical and mental health practitioners.

In addition, there are two requirements all elderly people need to lead a productive and satisfying life - independence and perceived social support. Understanding these two supports can make the transition of housing or care significantly easier for everyone involved. Fulfilling these requirements may become a challenging negotiation with them as older adults are mostly set in their routines and habits. However, it is important that they retain some of their individuality as they have most of their lives. If they are not able to, they are likely to be angry, have anxiety, or experience depression. 

Assessing the Elder’s Needs and Solutions

Just as we have many aspects to our daily living, our elderly relatives do, too. According to dailycaring.com, there are eight key areas address when you plan to provide care: 

1. Family support
2. Mobility
3. Home safety
4. Medical needs
5. Cognitive health
6. Personal hygiene
7. Meal preparation
8. Social interaction

Here is an example on how you can plan your care by using these categories. Your mother lives on her own, has mild heart disease and carpal tunnel syndrome -  which makes cooking and cleaning  more difficult some days. She has trouble keeping track of taking her medication on time. She enjoys inviting family or friends over for meals and tea. 

This is how you can use some of items on the list to provide the care she needs: 

1. Family Support: Divide between you and other family members taking your mother for regular doctor appointments for her heart and overall health. Other errands for her can also be divided between yourselves.
2. Mobility: This area can relate to activities inside and outside of the home. In the home there needs to be careful attention to moving around freely, with or without assistance. Outside of the home there are considerations about driving along or using public transportation.
3. Home safety: Make sure her floors are clear of rugs, cords, and clutter; add safety bars and railings in her bathrooms and stairways; make sure lights are bright; make sure appliances are working and switches to those are accessible; and minimize the need for step-stools or stooping low (she can use a mechanical grabber and have low cabinetry). 
4. Medical needs: Video chat her at the times she needs to take her medicine and watch her take it; put alarms on her phone to remind her to take it; or hire a personal support worker who visits once a day who can make sure she takes it if you are unable to visit her. 
5. Cognitive health: There is much research that shows that it is important to also keep the brain healthy and active. If they like to read, assist in this area by purchasing books or checking them out from the library. If they like to play games and puzzles, be sure to make time for this also. 
6. Personal hygiene: This area will need to be handled with care and hikmah, wisdom. Be sure to provide favorite types of hygiene products, respect privacy, and be sensitive to changes and challenges that come due to decreased control of urine and bowels.
7. Meal preparation: You can cook meals that can last her for 2-3 days or hire a cook who does that. Or you can pay for a meal delivery service. When her carpal tunnel syndrome is not flaring, she can prepare meals for that day. 
8. Social interaction: Encourage her to be active socially. If preparing food for guests is too difficult, ask her to order in when she has company over or offer to order the meals for her.

When you may feel inadequate in other areas in providing care, use the help of experts such as geriatic care managers and geriatricians (geratric doctors) who specialize in caring for older adults, especially when multiple health issues are involved. Assisted living community or senior housing options are available as well. 

Fulfilling their Need for Independence

Being able to manage the big or small decisions in their life without compromising their health will help older adults have a sense of control of their surrounding environment and a driving purpose in their lives.

They need a routine that includes basic grooming, chores, exercise, set mealtimes, rest, hobbies, and social activities. It is important that they complete most of these tasks on their own to retain a sense of control. An unmanageable disability or fatigue can prohibit older adults from doing any of these tasks themselves, however. In these instances, it is important they have a positive line of communication with you in order to express themselves without hesitance or embarrassment. 

There may be an interim step prior to offering direct assistance. If they live on their own, ask how you can be of assistance or quietly make yourself available to them to help with tasks which may be difficult for them. Here are a few suggestions (there is a longer list of solutions provided at the end of this article):

• Do their grocery shopping for or with them.
• Set up a joint bank account with you so they can receive money from you regularly or automatically.
• Set up their haircut, massage, doctor, etc. appointments for them. 
• Plan to accompany them to doctor appointments.
   

Fulfilling their Need for Perceived Social Support 

It is very important for our elderly relatives to accept they need assistance and not believe that the increased attention is a burden. Perceiving social support means for our elderly family members to firstly believe they have the support of their family, friends, and/or community. Social support from these groups looks like regularly calling or visiting them and engaging in hobbies or activities together. Try your best to respond to them in kindness in every interaction. Be the “bigger” person when a conflict arises by controlling your anger. When done in a predictable manner, these means of social support will positively affect their mental state and thereby improve their physical wellbeing as well. 

On the flip side, if they receive care but do not believe the sincerity behind that care, there will be adverse consequences. They will either outrightly refuse the care you give to them, become passive aggressive, or go into a state of helplessness where they become dependent upon you. Therefore, calling and regularly visiting your parents, finding out what hobbies and activities they like and arranging it for them into their routine are steps toward a more positive mental and emotional wellbeing for them. 

Caregivers Need Support, Too 

We need to be realistic about ourselves when taking on a big role such as this. Taking time out to reflect and reassess the situation helps to see how to move forward when dealing with stress or burnout. There are certain points to consider: 

• Are you healthy enough to physically care for someone else? 
• Do you live close enough to visit as often as needed or is the distance taking a toll on you?
• Would you want your elderly parent/relative to live with you or on their own to make the situation easier?
• Do you have the kind of relationship that allows you to spend a lot of time together without creating negative feelings on either side? Or do you need someone else to handle the emotional and social needs of the elder?
• Do you have the personality to provide the type of care they need? If not, what steps can you take to make yourself more agreeable, patient, and/or calm? 
• Are you willing to learn how to provide the care in a different manner or consider a way to lessen the amount of time or load in caring for the elder?

Caregiving is a difficult job that requires much of our time, patience, and attention. Many get “caregiver burnout” due to the strain of this role. We remember that it is an investment that will pay off in our Hereafter as a reward inshaAllah, God-willing. And therefore, we keep going. 

Stress is a natural consequence related to the increased responsibilities and demanding routine. There are ways we can relieve the stress of caregiving and should do so before you become overwhelmed. Here are a few suggestions.

Spread responsibilities throughout the family. Siblings can take turns to stay with an elderly parent or have them rotate to live at their home - the timings can be between days to months at a time and decisions made about that together. Another way to handle this is to assign each family member a significant task for that elderly relative - one member can take their grandmother on their daily walk, another member can take her to her doctor appointments, and then another can make breakfast for her (even this task can be rotated in a household). 

Increase positive communication with the elder and within the family. Sometimes, the parent or relative may have a debilitating illness such as Alzheimer’s or cancer, which increases the caregiver’s responsibilities as the disease progresses. The family of the elder should therefore educate themselves on the disease and decide on how to provide care for him/her. Moreover, an expert such as the doctor, geriatric care manager, elder mediator, a family counsellor, or social worker can facilitate an open discussion between family members on how to best provide care fairly. Moreover, the expert can show the family how to communicate when complicated issues and conflicts arise. This can prevent distressing the elder in their care and help things run smoothly.

Caregivers can seek mental health counselling or therapy themselves. If they are experiencing burnout, depression, anxiety or other mental health illnesses it is important for the caregiver to also see help. It is the caregiver’s family’s responsibility to tune into their needs, too, by checking in regularly and providing the assistance they need. 

Sharing financial support. Siblings or relatives should discuss with each other what financial support each one can provide to meet the elder’s needs. This, again, can be done with the help of a social worker if the family cannot come to a fair decision. Finances can be divided between the elder’s rent or house payments, groceries, medications, clothing, programs or activities, extra support items such as hearing aids or a walker, and/or home care workers. 

Moreover, research what benefits the elder can receive from the government. These can include getting paid for being a caregiver, reducing the cost of prescription drugs, and talking to a lawyer about how to apply for health insurance in the U.S. or care programs. Many benefits are automatically provided for seniors in Canada such as the Canadian Pension Plans, reduced prescription drug prices, and more. The Canadian government provides Personal Support Workers who come in on a regular basis to take care of the basic needs of vulnerable communities such as the elderly, disabled, and parents of children with developmental disorders.      

In conclusion, fulfilling our elderly parents or relatives’ physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, and financial needs in life will hopefully ensure them a satisfying life, and help you receive Allah’s reward inshaAllah, God-Willing. When we help others, Allah helps us. 

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

 “Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust; Let him be humbled into dust. It was said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! Who is he?’ He said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise.’” 

(Sahih Muslim, 2551)    

Sumayya Khan is a homeschooling mom and elementary school teacher. She has taught at several Islamic schools and organizations in the last 10 years. She is currently teaching Language Arts at Dawanet’s E-School, studying the Qur’an through Al-Huda Institute, and homeschooling her two kids. In her free time, she loves to spend time with her family and friends, play sports, enjoy nature, and read books. She currently resides with her children, husband and his family in Toronto, Canada.