A global pandemic, challenges with social media, jam-packed schedules, impacts of Islamophobia. Such high levels of uncertainty and confusion can have a direct impact on children. It is necessary to help them through these difficult times. To know if your child is suffering from stress, it is important to watch for any changes in behavior.
There are several things that parents, teachers, relatives and others who are involved in caring for children can do to help relieve stress in children. The following tips can correct a faulty belief system as well as help relieve some of the symptoms. However, these suggestions are not meant to replace medical and psychological attention.
1. Talk, hug, and talk.
The only way you can really find out how your child is suffering from stress or anxiety is by communicating openly and frequently with them.
When they come home from school, ask open-ended questions. Instead of the usual, “how was your day?” get specific. Ask how they felt they did on the math test. Find out what happened to her favorite teacher who had been ill. Ask if any special events are going on before the end of the year.
By showing your interest in talking about things that concern them, your children will open up to you. This way, you can get a better idea of what the source of their anxiety is. Has someone at school been harassing the child? Does the child have an imagined belief that something bad will happen to him/her? Has the child witnessed a traumatic event? Is the child suffering from the stress of the current political environment? Parents may need to get involved to protect the child from harassment.
2. Place your child(ren) under Allah’s protection.
Ibn ‘Abbas related that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, used to commend al-Hasan and al-Husayn to Allah’s protection by saying, “I comment you two to the protection of Allah’s perfect words from every devil, vermin, and every evil eye” (Al-Bukhari).
3. Help identify feelings.
Help your child isolate his/her feelings. Refer to a feelings wheel to increase your own vocabulary. Create a list of feeling words to make it easier for your child to pinpoint their thoughts and emotions. List words related to different emotions, both good and bad, including happy emotions. Have the child circle the word(s) to describe how s/he is feeling.
Parents may want to use the list to encourage the child to talk about their worries so that parents can focus on a specific plan to help the child. Younger children may find it easier to share their ideas and feelings through art such as drawings or paintings. When talking to children, keep explanations simple for both younger and older children. Children can then use the words in Duaa (supplication), asking Allah for relief of the specific ill-feeling.
4. Comfort your Child.
Reassure your child that you are there for him/her. Khadijah, may Allah be pleased with her, was considered to be a good wife to the Prophet because she comforted him. She supported him when others were against him. She encouraged him to put his trust in Allah. Do the same for your children.
5. Teach about our purpose.
Remind children of our purpose in life. Allah says in the Quran, “I have only created Jinns and humans so they can serve Me” (Surah adh-Dhariyat 51:56). Part of serving Allah is worshiping and obeying Him. Some people disobey Allah and choose to do bad things, such as make other people feel afraid, hurt or even kill innocent people. Allah wants us to ask Him to protect us from harm.
6. Know that Allah will test us.
Allah gives us problems to test our belief in Him and to see how we will react to the problems. There is a good way to react and a bad way to react. The best way to react is to worship Allah, remember Him, praise Him, and call on Him.
Allah also tells us that He will not give us problems so difficult that we cannot handle them. “And (as for) those who believe and do good — We do not impose on any soul a duty except to the extent of its ability — they are dwellers of the garden; in it they shall abide” (Surah al-Ar’af 7:42).
But, we have to perform good deeds and ask Allah for that protection by remembering Him and by making Duaa to Him along: “Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear, grant us forgiveness and have mercy on us. You are our Protector. Help us against those who deny the truth” (Surah al-Baqarah 2:286).
7. Remember Allah.
Allah reminds us to praise Him morning and evening (Surah al-Ahzab 33:42, Surah an-Nisa 4:104). Help your children to remember Allah. Remembering Allah can be in the form of reading the Quran, making Tasbeeh (saying Subhan Allah which means Glory be to Allah), Tahmeed (Alhamdu lillah which means Praise be to Allah), Tahleel (La ilaha illa Allah which means There is no god but Allah), etc.
8. Make duaa.
Duaa can be made at any time during the day and in any language. We can ask Allah for help, protection, guidance, etc. Remind your child that Allah has promised to listen to us when we ask Him for something. “And when My servants ask Thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the Dua of every supplicant when they call on Me” (Surah al-Baqarah2:186).
9. Trust in Allah.
Allah has said in the Quran that He will not abandon us in hard times (Surah ad-Duhaa 93:3) just as He did not abandon Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, who grew up without either of his parents. Allah also did not abandon Hajar and her son Ismail, who were alone in the desert without food or water. We must believe that Allah will be with us when we call on Him.
10. Tell stories.
This is a great way to get a message across without getting preachy or lecturing. Establish a time at least once a week where you tell stories. Come up with stories about children who have successfully dealt with stress and anxiety in various situations. They should incorporate ideas like how to liberate yourself from fear, put your trust in Allah, or deal with stress.
Also, let your kids tell stories, too. Look for the hidden meaning behind what they share. While they may feel uncomfortable openly telling you they are scared or stressed, their worries may become evident when they tell their tales. This is especially true for older children.
11. Be prepared for danger.
Parents should develop emergency plans and go over them with children. Talk about disaster safety and self-protection with your children. Develop emergency plans, which include what to do in care of fires, floods, snowstorms, and other situations. Develop backup childcare. Create contact lists of friends and neighbors in case of an emergency. Share this information with your children to let them know there are many people who care for them. We rely on and trust Allah for the outcome of our efforts and are pleased even when things turn out in a way we did not expect.
12. Avoid isolation.
Those suffering from worry sometimes feel like being alone. Isolation makes it easier to develop negative thoughts and behaviors and decreases your child’s opportunities for positive experiences. Encourage your child to be with the family and become involved in a hobby or sport that requires being with other people. Check out what may be going on in your school related to extracurricular activities. And if there is nothing organized in that manner, talk to your child’s teacher or to the PTA (parent-teacher association) to put together opportunities for games, activities, and even discussions for parents.
13. Defeat negative thoughts.
Teach your children to defeat negative thoughts and words in several ways. The first is to respond to the negative thought, feeling or words by saying, “Aoudtho billah” which means “I seek protection of Allah.”
Use of words is important here. Instead of allowing your child to think or say things like “everybody hates Muslims,” or “I feel horrible,” teach them to use more descriptive words such as, “I feel sad or that makes me afraid.” “Horrible” is a vague and overwhelming word, whereas sadness or feeling afraid are emotions a parent can help the child deal with.
14. Struggle for the good.
Encourage your child to struggle for the good. Teach your child to help others. This can include volunteering at a homeless shelter, a food bank, or a nursing home; cleaning up a park, river, or beach; organizing toy and clothing drives for needy children, and more. Your child will feel better about making a positive contribution to society and meet others who work and volunteer to take care of the needy. This can help reassure children that adults do not always fight or hurt others and that there are plenty of adults working to solve problems instead of creating them.
15. Make time to spend together.
In the busyness of our days, we can miss opportunities to spend quality time together. One day, pick up your child from school early and do something fun together (of course, this should not become a habit). It could be going to an amusement park, heading for an ice cream cone or checking out a fun kids’ museum. Whatever the activity, the point of this exercise is to spend time together and help alleviate their tension.
16. Create a “good-news-only zone.”
Create a “good news only” zone in your home. Protect your child from exposure to bad news. Instead of watching 24-hour news shows, tune in to nature or history shows or turn off the television completely to work on family projects, make Dhikr to Allah, or read and play board games together. Spending time with children comforts them. Providing stress-free activities also helps relieve tension.
17. Model good behavior.
Be a positive role model for your child. Let them see you reacting to stress in a way that will be pleasing to Allah. Show restraint instead of anger. Supplicate with your children. Practice relaxation techniques with them. Establish and participate in family activities on a regular basis. Take your children when you mix with others in the community for Salat and helping the needy, for example.
18. Schedule family meetings.
Make weekly family meetings part of building a strong family. Encourage open communication. Let each person have his/her turn speaking. Don’t criticize when a child voices his fears or worries. Develop strategic plans for dealing with problems (and consider writing them down and revisiting them to measure success).
19. Hug your kids daily.
While communicating verbally is very important, your actions can be even more powerful. Hugging your kids daily gives them a sense of security and reassurance at a time when they are confused, scared, and uncertain. While we don’t know what will happen tomorrow, our kids can at least be assured that we love them and will do everything in our power to ensure their safety and happiness. A hug communicates all these thoughts and more.
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