In the 1950s and 1960s, a psychologist named Harry Harlow conducted a series of experiments that demonstrated something remarkable about the power of touch. When infant rhesus monkeys were separated from their biological mothers and given a choice between two surrogate mothers, one made of wire that provided milk and another covered in soft cloth that provided no nourishment, they overwhelmingly preferred the cloth mother. They would cling to it for comfort for hours, returning to the wire mother only when they needed to feed. Harlow’s research suggested that attachment was driven by more than the basic need for food. Infants also needed warmth, comfort, and physical contact to feel secure and thrive. Of course, the importance of showing children physical affection was not a new concept. More than 1,400 years ago, the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, modeled tenderness toward children and encouraged others to do the same.
When a man saw the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, kissing his grandson, he said, “I have ten children, and I do not kiss any of them.” The Prophet responded, “Verily, whoever does not show mercy will not receive mercy.” (Sahih Bukhari 5997, Sahih Muslim 2318)
The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, connected affection with mercy and openly demonstrated warmth and tenderness toward children. He kissed his daughters, embraced his grandchildren, and playfully hugged his young companions. Modern research helps us understand just how important these seemingly simple acts of affection can be. Affectionate touch, including hugging, has been associated with lower levels of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone.¹ When parents hug their children, they are not only offering comfort in that moment but also communicating that they are safe and loved. Over time, these repeated moments of connection can help children learn to regulate their emotions and stress responses while developing a greater sense of security in their environment. A child who is comforted when frightened, hugged when upset, cuddled when tired, or greeted warmly after time apart begins to associate loving relationships with safety and reassurance. These early experiences can also help lay the foundation for healthier relationships later in life.
Apparently, we never completely outgrow that need for physical connection. Just recently, I read an article about professional cuddlers, people who are paid around $100 an hour to provide platonic physical affection to touch-starved strangers. At first, the concept may sound unusual, but the existence of such services points to a genuinely human dilemma. People crave safe, comforting physical contact, and some adults are apparently so deprived of it that they are willing to pay a stranger just to hold them for a few minutes. The thought that there are people, including children, who may go through life without this kind of loving affection is heartbreaking. If we are blessed to be surrounded by family and can offer them that warmth and affection freely, then we should be grateful and never take it for granted.
There is a physiological reason that something as minimal as a hug can feel so comforting. Warm, affectionate touch can help calm the body’s stress response and support nervous system regulation. A reassuring embrace from someone we trust can communicate safety without a single word. For children, who are still learning how to understand and manage big emotions, that physical reassurance can be especially powerful. Before a child knows how to say, “I am overwhelmed,” “I am scared,” or “I need reassurance,” sometimes what they need most is to be held.
Parents instinctively cuddle babies and small children. We scoop them up when they fall, hold them when they cry, kiss their cheeks, and tuck them into bed with hugs and cuddles. However, somewhere along the way, especially as children enter adolescence, physical affection can begin to fade. Our children get taller, become more independent, and may even be embarrassed by us, but that does not mean they have suddenly stopped needing support, connection, and affection. Hugs are one of the simplest ways we can communicate how we feel. Not only that, but they have numerous health benefits, especially the longer they last. Researchers say that 20 seconds of hugging lowers stress levels and stimulates bonding.2
Physical affection was also a natural part of the relationships among the early Muslims. Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, reported, “If the companions of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, met each other, they would shake hands. If they had returned from a journey, they would embrace each other.” (Al-Mu’jam al-Awsaṭ lil-Ṭabarānī 97) A warm embrace expressed the happiness of being reunited with someone they cared about. In much the same way, a hug can tell our children, “I missed you,” “I am happy to see you,” “I am here for you,” or more importantly, “I love you.”
Of course, as children grow, parents should also respect their boundaries and recognize that every child is different. A child who once ran into your arms may suddenly recoil at the thought of being hugged in front of their friends as a teenager. Nevertheless, they may happily accept that same affection in the privacy of home. One child may love long hugs and cuddles, while another prefers a quick squeeze, a kiss on the forehead, an arm around the shoulder, or simply sitting close. Rather than interpreting these changing preferences as rejection, we can learn how our children are comfortable receiving affection and continue offering it in ways that make them feel loved and respected.
The bottom line is that our children need physical touch and affection, and we can be their very own “professional cuddlers.” The difference is that they never have to pay us, or even beg us, for the warmth and affection we can freely give as their parents. We can make hugs part of our ordinary family routines rather than reserving them only for special occasions. Hug your children when they leave for school and when they come home, before bed, when they accomplish something, after an argument, or simply because you happen to walk past them in the kitchen. As they grow older, continue offering affection while respecting how they prefer to receive it. A simple embrace costs us nothing, takes only a few seconds, and can communicate what our children need to know throughout every stage of their lives: you are loved, you are safe, and you are never too old for a hug.
Add new comment