When young children seem out of control, parents may feel frustrated, confused, angry or even concerned. Note how each of these are feelings, some of which parents may unintentionally pass on to the child. Therefore parents must emotionally regulate themselves first.
There are many reasons why a young child may give in to tears and tantrums, but it is mainly developmental in that they are faced with a circumstance where they do not have the physical or emotional maturity to navigate or intellectually express.
As Muslims, we have the prophetic example of how to deal with our children when they are emotional. We can look to the hadith where Anas ibn Malik narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
"Whenever I start the prayer I intend to prolong it, but on hearing the cries of a child, I cut short the prayer because I know that the cries of the child will incite its mother's passions"
Sahih al-Bukhari 710, Sahih Muslim 47
From this short narration we learn at least three important things
- Rasullah (SAW) prioritized the needs of the human being
- Parents are expected to respond to the emotions of their children
- It is normal for parents to feel whatever feeling comes to them when their children are distressed
Research on child behavior from doctors in the American Psychology Association note that babies and young toddles to about the age of three benefit from what is known as external regulation with their emotions. This is the parent actively holding, soothing, rocking and talking to the young child whose nervous system cannot yet calm themselves.
For older toddlers from about four to six years of age, the APA note children this age thrive from co-regulation. Co-regulation is when the parents actively teach and model the calming methodology the child should use and reinforce how parents must emotionally regulate themselves. Toddler children are in the developing stage of their ability to independently control themselves.
As adults, during times of emotional distress, we call on Allah through du’a and dhikr. Parents, as co-regulators for young children can use short, easy to remember and even rhythmic phrases to help calm the child. This is coupled with physical touch and regulated voice.
The tradition of a parent making du’a for their children can be found in the life example of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in a narration from Ibn Abbas:
The Prophet (pbuh) used to seek Refuge with Allah for Al-Hasan and Al-Husain and say: "Your forefather (i.e. Abraham) used to seek Refuge with Allah for Ishmael and Isaac by reciting the following: 'O Allah! I seek Refuge with Your Perfect Words from every devil and from poisonous pests and from every evil, harmful, envious eye.' "
To use Quran and the prophetic tradition to help emotionally regulate young children recite verses from the Quran and du’a. Use a calm tone, touch the child gentle, practice to help the child learn to recite on their own. Always translate for children so that they know and understand what they are saying as this is part of the calming process as well.
Night terrors – children that resist going to bed, uncomfortable with the darkness, bad dreams, fears of being left alone, high fever or illness causing perceived threats, or even underlying nervous personality
Co-regulate and model making du’a, holding the child for comfort, speaking in calm tone, repeat and practice so the child can recite on their own. Keep explanations simple as the goal is to bring peace, calmness and re-enforce at a young age how to rely on Allah.
- Recite Surah Al Falah (113)
Say, "I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak
From the evil of that which He created
And from the evil of darkness when it settles
And from the evil of the blowers in knots
And from the evil of an envier when he envies."
- Recite Surah An Nas (114)
Say, "I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
The Sovereign of mankind,
The God of mankind,
From the evil of the retreating whisperer1
Who whispers [evil] into the breasts of mankind -
From among the jinn and mankind".
- Recite the du’a above that the prophet (pbuh) made for his grandsons
Overwhelmed or frustrated – children that are adjusting to school, new rules, new routines, too much homework, difficulty navigating relationships, unexpected changes in routine or family dynamic, overscheduling of activities or even sensory overload by the level of activity in the environment, loud sounds or smells, feeling confined or over stimulated with technology – video games or television.t
Co-regulate and model making du’a. Touch the child’s chest, speak in lower tones to help the child regulate that they should bring it down a notch, hold tightly and let them feel the beating heart of the parent if they seem out of control, gently touch the child which regulates the nervous system itself. Acknowledge their big feelings and then guide them how following your lead will help them feel better. Outside of the moment of being overwhelmed, read Islamic children books on big feelings that will help normalize such topics and open the child up to sharing.
- Recite Surah Al Tawbah 9:129
“But if they turn away, [O Muhammad], say, ‘Sufficient for me is Allah; there is no deity except Him. On Him I have relied, and He is the Lord of the Great Throne.”
- Recite the du’a
Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs."
Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel
This du’a comes from the tradition of the prophet (saw0 as narrated by Ibn’ Abbas:
'Allah is Sufficient for us and He Is the Best Disposer of affairs," was said by Abraham when he was thrown into the fire; and it was said by Muhammad when they (i.e. hypocrites) said, "A great army is gathering against you, therefore, fear them," but it only increased their faith and they said: "Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer (of affairs, for us)." (3.173)
Sahih Bukhari 4363
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