SUMMARY: Parents can foster connections with their children by focusing on and participating in what interests in them, even if the stage passes as they grow.
Have you ever received that familiar piece of advice, “Enjoy them now because they grow up so fast”? As a mom of multiple children, with one already in their twenties, I can absolutely attest to that. One moment, you are holding a little bundle of joy in your arms, staring into those loving little eyes, and the next, they are rolling those same eyes at you with an attitude you never expected. Welcome to the world of parenting! It is unpredictable, frustrating, and incredibly rewarding all at once, and somehow it goes by much faster than we realize. As children grow older, it may seem like some distance begins to form in the parent-child relationship. During the preteen and teenage years, they naturally become more independent, increasingly influenced by their peers, and more invested in a world that may sometimes feel separate from our own. However, that does not mean you have completely lost your baby girl or boy. They still need their parents, even if the way they need us begins to change.
Finding ways to enter our children’s world, taking an interest in what matters to them, and creating opportunities for genuine connection can be essential to maintaining that special parent-child bond. Sometimes, staying close simply means being willing to care about what they care about, even when we do not quite understand its appeal. I have learned from experience that children’s interests, much like their moods, can shift dramatically from one day to the next. One minute, they are playing with dolls and Lego sets, and the next, they are suddenly interested in crocheting, sports, or something else entirely. They may even leave all those hobbies behind at some point and become completely absorbed in electronics. As parents and trusted adults in their lives, our first instinct may be to question these changes or, depending on the new interest, even panic a little. Resist the urge! Believe me, learning to approach their interests with curiosity rather than immediate criticism will be much better for your relationship in the long run.
Ask me how I know!
When one of my children was in their teens, they became completely engrossed in the world of manga, or Japanese comics. They wanted to draw the characters, read the books, and even buy posters. As a practicing Muslim parent, I became concerned about whether it was permissible to draw these types of characters, especially since they can be incredibly detailed and are sometimes depicted wearing inappropriate clothing. Admittedly, I may have overreacted and told my child that these images were completely forbidden. Instead of deterring the interest, however, my reaction only seemed to make my teen double down and push back even more. Our constant conflicts eventually led me to consult a scholar about my concerns and my child’s newfound pastime.
When I reached out to the sheikh, I fully expected him to confirm my fears, tell me how haram the behavior was, and advise me to put an immediate stop to it. Instead, his advice was quite the opposite. He reminded me that my child’s interests would not necessarily last forever and advised me not to make this particular issue into a constant source of conflict. My husband and I could not believe what we were hearing, but we took his advice and gave our child some room to navigate their pursuits. Sure enough, the obsession with manga eventually shifted to something else, and then to another thing after that. That is the thing about children; their hobbies, fascinations, and tastes can change dramatically as they grow and discover who they are. Rather than fighting them over everything, we must learn to choose our battles. Sometimes, preserving the relationship and keeping the lines of communication open will have a much greater impact.
I have written before about how, when my children were young, they were exposed to superheroes through their teachers and peers at Islamic school. Even though I wanted them to grow up only looking up to Muslim heroes, they inevitably got swept up in the world of superheroes that fascinated their friends. Instead of fighting against something that had already captured their attention, we decided to provide them with a safe space at home to explore those interests under our supervision and guidance. When they wanted to watch a show or movie featuring one of their favorite characters, we turned it into a family movie night. The children felt seen and loved as they cuddled up next to us to watch the latest superhero flick, and it gave us an opportunity to spend quality time together while staying engaged with what captured their imaginations. Was it always how I wanted to spend my Friday night? Probably not. However, I have since learned to appreciate those little moments when we can create memories with our children while they still want us around.
As my children got older, their interest in music became another topic of contention. There are significant differences of opinion among Muslim scholars regarding the permissibility of music and musical instruments, and our family has always leaned toward the stricter side of that spectrum. For that reason, music was not something we generally allowed in our home. When our children were young, we could more easily limit what they listened to, and the Quran and nasheeds were primarily what they heard as they grew up. Once they reached their teenage years, however, they were inevitably exposed to more music through movie soundtracks, friends, social media, stores, and even school. As much as I resisted their growing interest, I eventually had to recognize that I could not control everything they encountered, especially as they became older and more independent.
Over time, we found ways to compromise within boundaries we felt comfortable with, such as allowing them to listen to some clean music during Eid celebrations or while working out. They were thrilled by this small amount of flexibility, but more importantly, it helped keep the lines of communication open. They felt comfortable sharing with us the artists and songs they liked, rather than feeling they had to hide their interests. At the same time, we maintained clear boundaries regarding content, explaining that anything containing foul language or indecent lyrics was unacceptable. They understood and, for the most part, respected those limits. I came to accept that knowing what my children were listening to and having conversations about it gave me a greater chance to guide them than simply pretending I could prevent them from encountering music altogether.
This Too Shall Pass
These experiences have taught me an important lesson that applies to many of the challenges we face as Muslim parents. We can never protect our children from or prevent them from being exposed to everything. More important is that we establish a solid foundation at home, set reasonable boundaries, recognize where there is room for flexibility, and equip our children with the knowledge they need to make responsible decisions. Our children should not be afraid to tell us about their doubts, what captures their attention, or what they do not understand regarding the permissibility or impermissibility of certain activities. If they feel comfortable enough to approach us and talk openly about their questions, likes, and dislikes, we have a better chance of remaining a trusted source of support in their lives. More importantly, that openness helps us stay connected and make the most of the precious time we have together before they grow up and begin navigating more of the world on their own.
Everyone’s interests continue to shift, and the latest craze in our house is collecting and trading Pokémon cards. At first, I did not quite see the appeal, but before long, it became a beloved family activity that everyone wanted to participate in. Even I started showing more interest, not necessarily because I suddenly understood the excitement of collecting cards, but because I saw how happy it made my children to have their parents join in on something they love.
The truth is, they may not care about Pokémon cards forever. Before we know it, this interest will probably give way to something entirely different, just as so many others have over the years. But that is precisely why we should take advantage of these moments while we can. We do not have to love everything our children love or even fully embrace why they love it. Sometimes, simply showing up, asking questions, watching the movie, listening to the story, or learning the game is enough to show them that what matters to them matters to us.
Related:
(1) How Islam Eliminates Toxic Parenting Behaviors
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