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SEX EDUCATION

12 Tips For Parents:
Talking To Your Kids About Sex


You've just found out your son or daughter is getting sex education at public school and you want to give them the Islamic perspective on it.

Or your kids have started asking the “where do babies come from” question.

But you just can't get over your tongue-tying embarrassment. Imagine! If your father or mother, back in Cairo or Karachi, heard of this they'd be stunned and question your parenting skills!

Here are some tips that can help you talk to your kids about the “s” word.

Tip #1: Start Early

Ideally sex education is not provided to kids in a reactionary fashion. Rather, it's given from the beginning in an indirect manner.

This means the child has to have a strong sense of identity and an understanding of what his or her values are.

“Parents are going to have sit down and explain their values to their own children. And this needs to start young, before the society influences them,” says Marilyn Morris, a Christian, who is president and founder of Aim for Success. The organization promotes abstinence from sex through speeches and presentations to students in grades six to 12. The group is one of the largest providers of abstinence education in the United States.

She says it is also important to explain to kids why you hold those values. For example, why do you not approve of sex outside of marriage, whether this is for religious and/or health reasons.

Tip #2: Give the child age-appropriate sex education

Starting to teach different topics at the right age is also important.

For example, a boy of eight may notice his mom does not pray some time during the month and may ask why. At this point, it can simply be said this is a time when Allah has excused women from praying. At the age of 12 or 13, a parent can introduce the topic of menstruation, and by that point, he will be able to make the connection.

Another way topics of a sexual nature can be introduced is while the child is reading the Quran. When the child reads verses about sexual intercourse, menstruation, or homosexuality, for example, this can be explained in a matter-of-fact manner.

Sex can also be discussed in the context of cleanliness in Islam at a certain age. For example, by the age of six or seven, a child must know how to clean him or herself after using the toilet.

After this at about eleven or twelve, the issue of Ghusl can be raised and when it is necessary (i.e. after sexual intercourse, after menstruation, etc).

As well, parents should sit with their children individually, not all together to explain various age-appropriate topics related to sex.

Some of the topics to talk about include modesty, decency, conduct and behavior .

But these should not be presented as just a bunch of rules to be followed. Rather the wisdom behind, for example, the Islamic dress code and lowering the gaze for both sexes should be explained.

Tip #3: Parents should build a good relationship with their kids

Proper sex education can only be given if the correct messages are being sent explicitly and implicitly by parents.

There has to be openness, not a rigid and dogmatic atmosphere at home.

“I'm talking about a loving relationship at home between the parents,” says Khadija Haffajee an Islamic activist and a retired school teacher from the Ottawa-Carleton region of Canada. She has spent about 30 years working in the public school system. “That there's love between the parents, there's affection. They [the kids] can see this, how they talk to each other, the respect that's there.”

Tip #4: Be an example

This goes hand in hand with being a role model, which is the best way to teach and transmit values to children.

That means not only should children be exposed to a healthy male-female relationship when they see their parents. It also means parents do not engage in activities which undermine their views on sexuality.

For instance, “being careful themselves about what they watch on T.V. or what movies they go to see, “ is crucial says Morris “because that ‘s a bad influence on us at any age. And if our children see us doing it why shouldn't they as well?”

This also means setting an example in other aspects of life by following the same rules you expect your kids to follow. For example, if you're running late, call children and let them know, show them the same courtesy you expect from them, explains Morris.

Tip #5: Meet with others who share your values

It is necessary for children to not just see the embodiment of Islamic values at home. They must also experience this in contacts with other Muslim children and families, says Haffajee.

They must see that family life the Islamic way is not just something their own family practices, but it's something others do as well.

This makes it more “normal” for the child, who in public school may have friends or acquaintances with homosexual parents (two mommies or two daddies), parents who are having sex outside of marriage (mom's boyfriend, dad's girlfriend) or other types of unacceptable relationships.

Tip #6: Get involved with your children's school

Depending on a parent's schedule, this can mean different things. Most of the time, public schools encourage parents' active participation through channels like Parent and Teachers' Associations (PTAs) or as elected school board members.

Haffajee explains that more and more schools will be decentralized and will have more power at the PTA level, for instance. Another forum for involvement is running in school board elections. School boards run all the schools in one district.

But if this is too much of a commitment for you as a parent, at least be in contact with your child's teacher, and let her/him know not just about problems, but good things he or she is doing for your child as well.

”We have to build these links, not feel it's them and us,” adds Haffajee.

Volunteering and helping at the school is also an option. This differs in each school. Some may have a lunchroom program with parents as monitors, for instance, which requires only a few hours a week.

Regular participation in such school organizations and activities gives you a voice as a parent to express your views about what's going on in the school system as it affects your child, as well as others' children.

It is important to add that this involvement should not come only when the school has done something you, as a parent, feel has violated your child's needs as a Muslim, or when you want something specifically for your child (i.e. time off for Eid, Juma, etc.).

By participating at the long-term level, your voice is more likely to be heard because you're involved in making the school better generally, not just for your child's interest only.

When it comes time for sex education, you can band together with other parents, Muslim and non-Muslim, who share the same views on the topic, and it is more likely you will be listened to.

“There are a lot of non-Muslim parents who are concerned about these issues and feel as if there is no control,” notes Haffajee.

Tip #7: Know the sex education territory

“There should be talk about what kind of information they're getting, preadolescent education,” says Haffajee.

Launching a three hour tirade against the evils of public school sex education will do little good in helping your son or daughter see what's wrong with it. This is why it is necessary to find out what is included in the sex education curriculum.

“They should find out exactly what the school is teaching, to the point of even sitting with the person doing the education and finding out about the values of that person,” says Morris. “This is a very important issue”

Tip #8: Know the Islamic perspective on sex

There is more to sex education than telling your son or daughter “don't do it until you get married”.

Topics like menstruation, sexual changes in adolescents, Islamic purity after various types of uncleanliness associated with sex also have to be discussed.

If you're not sure, get some help from a knowledgeable Muslim or Imam, as well as a guide for parents (see the review for the book Miracle Of Life.

Be capable of providing exact references from the Quran, Sunnah and valid Islamic authorities on relevant topics (i.e. birth control, boy/girl relationships, etc.).

On the same note, if in the course of your conversation your child asks you something and you are not sure about whether it really is Islamic or not, CHECK IT OUT. Assuming that a cultural practice relating to sex or boy/girl relationships is automatically Islamic is a mistake.

Tip #9: Tell your kids you're available to talk to them about sex

This is necessary, especially if sex has been a taboo subject in the household for so long.

“Parents [should] say to their children “I want to be your primary source of information about sex,” says Morris.

This makes it clear that while your child may be getting information about sex from other sources like television, the movies, school and friends, you are the “authoritative source”.

This is done best when discussed at a younger age, rather than waiting for the teen years when rebelliousness usually kicks in and kids are less likely to listen to parents.

Tip #10: Express your nervousness

It will be hard to talk about sex for many parents. But they should not hide this from their kids.

Morris recommends parents say, “If I sound nervous or uncomfortable just bear with me,” in the course of their conversation.

This stresses the seriousness of the topic and the importance of what you want to say. The fact that this is so difficult for you, yet you are going forward with it emphasizes your child's need to listen.

Tip #11: Withdraw your child from sex education but tell them why

There are public schools where sex education is an option, and a child can be exempted from it.

Haffajee says there are parents, Muslim and non-Muslim who have decided to choose this instead of having their kids sit through public school sex education.
But if you do decide to do this, she advises it is important to clearly explain to your child why this is being done, and to ensure that s/he is being provided with Islamic sex education in the home.

Otherwise, your child may see it as being excluded from an activity with his or her friends.

Tip #12: Get help from others

If you feel extremely uncomfortable talking to your kids about it, enlist the help of a knowledgeable and open Imam or community member who is of the same gender as your child, to explain the details and provide the guidance.

Other people can be Islamic weekend school teachers, a Muslim social worker, or a trusted family member like an aunt, uncle or cousin.

Also, get some books for your kids that discuss sex from an Islamic perspective. Miracle of Life or Ahmad Sakr's The Adolescent Life are some examples.

However, getting someone else to talk to them or giving them a book is not the end of the story. As a parent, you have to be ready and open to at least hear Ameer or Jamila's concerns or questions about sex, so you can direct them to the right person or information if you are uncomfortable answering yourself.

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Please share your ideas, suggestions, and experience in the area of sex education with others in our discussion forum: Sex Education.

Your Comments

shahin, abudhabi - wrote on 1/14/2011 11:30:45 AM
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Comment: salam to all reader.main ne aaj hi es site ke barea main radio ovice of america per suna .Aur mujeah ea site achi lagi.umid hai ese aur bahter banaya jaeaga.


shahin, abudhabi - wrote on 1/14/2011 11:29:44 AM
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Comment: salam to all reader.main ne aaj hi es site ke barea main radio ovice of america per suna .Aur mujeah ea site achi lagi.umid hai ese aur bahter banaya jaeaga.


Zaheer, Boston - wrote on 9/4/2010 10:45:55 PM
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Comment: absolute rubbish. sex is natural and children need to know the risks in this country. if you want islamic education move to an eslamic society. dont leave the child blin d because you chose to raise them here


Radhiyah Abdul-razaq, abuja - wrote on 8/24/2010 8:58:28 PM
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Comment: may Allah reward you for every good work, this is a wonderful tip


Radhiyah Abdul-razaq, abuja - wrote on 8/24/2010 8:57:28 PM
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Comment: may Allah reward you for every good work, this is a wonderful tip


AKHMAD SUDRAJAT, Kuningan, Indonesia - wrote on 8/7/2010 5:08:29 AM
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Comment: Nice info


Umair, Pakistan - wrote on 10/27/2005 11:59:00 PM
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Comment: Thankyou for providing us with this useful information. I am not married but oftenely used to think about this topic so i may help my children in future as i had to face many difficulties in my time. Now I will be having no problems Inshallah. Thanks again.


A, London, ON - wrote on 3/13/2005 1:35:37 AM
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Comment: Assalamualaikum! MashAllah, this is a great article, just like all the others on this website. I'm 20 years old, will be 21 InshAllah and I'm not a parent yet but I'm glad to see that Muslims are finally realizing that they must address the issue of sex with their kids. I know my friends and I could never talk to our parents about sex since they're all immigrants and for them, it's culturally taboo to talk even about menstruation. This is hard for daughters, but even If you have a son(s), PLEASE tell them about menstruation and why women can't pray during this time! Sadly, I still have (well meaning) MSA brothers at my university asking me why I am not praying. I would also like to say that sex education is NOT evil, IF the child has a good understanding of the basics and Islamic perspective. As a child, a few friends and I thought sex was haraam!Alhmudulillah, i have an amazing sister who is 11 years older and she explained it all to me when i was 10, so I had a good understanding before the sex ed started. I learned a lot in school that I wouldn't have at home, and while there were haraam topics, especially in high school (ie. sex w/ boyfriends and girlfriends, etc.) it was also educational, and to be honest, no matter how open parents/family may be, there are going to be some topics that are too embarassing for anyone but an experienced nurse to address! That being said, I'll end this really long message now. JazakAllah khair for another amazing article and if I have said anything wrong, it is by my fault alone, and for anything benificial I have said, it is by the grace of Allah (SWT) Wasalaam to you all


saba, Toronto - wrote on 2/14/2005 10:35:18 AM
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Comment: i am just wondering why everyone is so against about sex education. We have to let our kids decide what is right and wrong for them by explaing everything. stopping them to go to public school, is not the option nor it will save our problem. i saw lot of parents gets so upset when kids in grade 5 or 6 learn that stuff in shchool. Parents doesnt want them to learn that from school. nor they teach them this stuff at home. At the end, kids gets so confused when times comes. They dont know what to do. some kids start hating sex and they are not even comfortable doing after mariage. because their perents told them sex is bad thing. i dont understand one thing. before marriage parents and all muslim told us not to do sex but after marriage u should do. they dont explian the bad and good factors. they just tell its bed or u shouldnt do that. i like to say all the parents that, dont think teaching sex education in school is bad. its not bad when u know the rights. their are lots of girls who gets pragnet or got harass by guys but didnt know what to do. we should work together as a group. talk to the teacher of health education and see what are they telling wrong about in health education. Tell your kids why sex is bad before marriage. i belive if you explain them, they will understand but if you stop them. they wants to learn more and wrong ways.


Sameen, canada - wrote on 12/13/2004 4:59:04 PM
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Comment: AlhumduliAllah...that was the gr8 article and it answered all my questions.. i do feel embressed to ask my parents about these stuff but it really helped me to be more active about wut should i do or not ... thanx and good job..Fe amaniAllah


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