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silent brother, london - wrote on 5/13/2010 5:45:36 AM
Comment:This is a very good article and gives me great heart and comfort. You see I have always been a muslim who tries to pray for others and be grateful. But throughout my life i have lived with the terrible burden of always being treated badly in comparison to the other 3 children in my family by my mother and father.
This has taken the form of initially always being told i would have to be subservient "and stand behind" my brother who is 1 and a half years older than me, in life. I was told this from an early age. ON his part my brother abused this situation and his constantly being pampered and told he was the first son and hence "the chosen one", to always tell tales on me to my parents and get them to beat me for any act of disobedience to my brother right or wrong. I was the only child who was beaten. On the other hand my younger sisters were also made to grow up with no respect for me but respect for my older brother. I was alwasy used as the families attack dog. My father would force me to fight anyone who caused trouble to our family but when i did so instead of being grateful he would tarnish me as "impatient and aggressive" when all i was doing was following his orders.As our adult lives have developed this has continued. I come from a pakistani family of tremendous business wealth (thanks to allah). My father has discriminated against me throughout adult life. My brother has been groomed to be the head of our businesses which employ 75 people while i have never been given training and instead reduced to subservient menial tasks under my brother. Ten years ago at the age of 26 i grew tired of this situation and left the family business to go and work for others for 7-8 years for menial pay and insults as i couldnt bear the injustice on a day to day basis. I didnt know that this act would harden my arrogant fathers resolve even more that I was "no good" and had "deserted" the family business even tho i had been subjected to unfair treatment and humiliation on a daily basis.
As our adult lives developed my brother was allowed to choose his wife and house and would buy luxury cars every year as my father deemed "he was running the business". I did not receive any such gifts. My father bought a much smaller house for me and went against my wishes in how it should be and demolished part of it against my wishes lowering its value and appeal. They also unlike my brother who choose his wife and was married at the age of 26 , tried to against my stated wishes first force me into a marriage with my cousin, and than later gave my pledge of marriage to a girl i had never met or spoken to. The marriage failed after 1 month as we had nothing in common and the girl would not speak to me unless i spoke urdu which i cannot do well. I did not consumate the marriage on the grounds of my personal code of honour. The other family took £80,000 off my family in payments and my father and mother blamed me for this as well even tho i had said i wouldnt marry this girl and had endured their persecution even prior to the shame marriage, where they would not cook ,clean for me and threw me out of the house to live in isolation.
Of course my brother was secretly gleeful at all this as it enhanced his position as the "chosen one" and me "as the bad child born bad".
I am now 36 years old no marriage no kids and am addicted to anti deppresants which no one knows of.
because of the credit crunch i lost my job elsewhere and was forced to return to my father business. My brother used this to further humiliate me,and oppress me. he is well aware that my father has given him a 70% favourable inheritance plan and 30% to me. I never cared about money or such things and always was happy to allah for the blessing of life, limbs sight and food. But I cannot stomach these injustices and as I age my parents have created an atmosphere where if i even voice any polite disagreement on anything they complain i bother them in their old age of ill health.
They will not allow me to find a wife of my own as They fear the "scandal" i married outside my caste and people will gossip as they are a prominment business family.
My brother continues to lord it over me. He has had 7-8 luxury cars but when i tried to ask for one he vetoed me and behind my back told my father i was wasteful. he is utterly devious and nawab like in his demeanour. despite his character throughout my life i have defended him against the occasional attack at work from employees etc. But my loyalty is unreturned. As I near 40 i look at my life, no marriage, no children, humiliation amongst my relations and relatives where i am seen as "the poor relation" and relative. When i was initially turned out of the family business 10 years ago I worked damned hard to go back to uni in my mid 20s and got my chartered accountants qualifications. But this has not bought me any respect from my family instead my father lets mere administrators and underlings in the company take decisions over me, he has no respect for my qualifications and routinely humiliates me, by calling in outside accountants, one of whom used to work under me in a company , in order to humiliate me. Outwardly to teh world he is the devout haji who goes on hajj every year but I see the materialistic bully who favours one child over the other having created the cancer of competion and criticisum towards me which is haram.
I have little money to just walk away from them and marry a muslim women and live an islamic life elsewhere. even if i did so i would be criticised no doubt "for walking out on my parents" even tho they have 3 other children who unlike me they gave more love and affection to, and have marshallah 5 grandchildren.
I feel sometimes if i am the cause of disapointment to them i should walk away. feelings of suicide are whispered to me by satan but I ignore them and thank allah. But this dependence on anti deppresants has destroyed my mind and i have difficulty coping. What can you say to me ??
Abdul-Azeez, Nigeria - wrote on 9/28/2005 8:59:03 AM
Comment:This is best described as the the basis of human existence. Allah (SWT) created human beings to worship HIM alone. True worship encompasses all the positive Cs where justice and fairplay will always remain the rule of the game. The world today is heavily characterised by negative Cs, hence the elusive peace, unabatted bombings, war, crime etc
Mahmoud Eid, Alameda, CA USA - wrote on 7/30/2005 7:07:03 PM
Comment:Very well done diagnosis to an illness in the parnting process, but as a patient I go to a doctor because the symptoms of the disease force me to seek a treatmet. I need soluatin for a problem I know that it exist. You point to the source of the treatment (Quran & Sunnah), but what we need is iducting it and the personals to provide this service and kown address for this hospital to go to when we seek cure to our illness.
OhmIrisRaheema, Boston - wrote on 7/26/2005 11:14:53 AM
Comment:Asalam-U-Alikum: What a truly well thought out, well written article. May Allah see to it that you continue in this manor of beautiful literature, and may they be published in one concise book.
Syed Zainulabeddin, Toronto - wrote on 4/9/2005 11:01:48 PM
Comment:The article covers a wide breadth and depth of issues and solutions based on Quran & Sunnah. The issues remains that we as Muslims in North America are looking for solutions outside of this context.
Having been in the West for nearly 4o years, I have seen the both the development of Islamic values (among the youth), as well as the dilution of Islamic values among our generation 50 plus as a means to appease the locals.
This dichotomy and duality of standards has created a significant gap between generations and more specifically among the parents and children. We cannot expect our chidren to follow a religious creed while we as their mentors and guides cannot do the same and set examples.
The advice in the article speaks for itself as an excellent chronology of issues and solutions. May Allah give me and all of us to sek Allah guidance and render our trust in terms of our responsiblity to our children and our families.
Zailani A.M, Singapore - wrote on 7/15/2004 11:31:33 AM
Comment:Alhamdulillah, a really great article that really reminds me of my mistakes as a parent. Simple and practical, albeit hard to strictly follow, but InsyaAllah I will try my best!!!
May Allah s.w.t reward you!
Mrs Fadl, Germany - wrote on 7/15/2004 7:48:38 AM
Comment:Very thankful for the article. I am a first time parent, and already worried about the challenges I am to face, especially that my daughter's first few foundation years is here in the West. May Allah Bless your efforts. Also, any recommendation of good english books on parenting I can get my hands on?
, Canada - wrote on 4/2/2004 6:16:38 PM
Comment:Very good information to raise your children on islamic values but not to thrive in a North American culture. Most kids in north america are raised to be self centered, that life is all about gaining wealth and climbing up the ladder, no matter what it takes. As grown ups, they do it through sweet talk, through bullying, dishonesty, diserspect, they have no shame when they hurt another..etc. Imagine those kids as grown ups that you're children will have to mix with in a workplace. We need information to prepare our children to be able to live in an environment such as this where they can build a career and look forward to be even better as a person on the personal level, financial level and professional level. We have to teach them that the world is not a fair place and to equip them with what it takes to strive in an environment such as this.
Entisar, Canada - wrote on 9/30/2003 12:32:25 AM
Comment:What a wonderful piece of work. I found it simply and yet so deeply to the point. I started off reading it as, perhaps other do....looking for something to show my spouse ....to say look...this is how it should be...and Thank Allah, I see what "I" need to see and do also. May Allah guide us and forgive us all. Bless you for your work and praise for the one who created us all, to help ourselves and each other- Incha Allah
Iman, England - wrote on 9/17/2003 6:00:24 PM
Comment:I found the article very interesting and thought provoking. As a parent, it made me evaluate my relationship with my children and family. Unfortunately, although correct in reflecting the values and morals of our beautiful religion, with the pressures on my life and no doubt countless others it is very idealistic when compared to the harsh realities of life. Modern living has given us untold pressures in achieving the right balance between work commitments and a harmonious family life. When having to work is a financial necessity (or is it?), this becomes a real conflict even within yourself never mind the time constraints.
I would like to thank you for the article.
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I seek refuge in You from hunger; surely, it is the worst companion. And I seek refuge in You from treachery; surely, it is a bad inner trait.