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10 Prom Tips for Parents

"Sarah" and her mom disagreed on a lot of things. But Prom night was probably one of the occasions when the disagreement hurt her mother the most.

At this high school graduation party, her mom wanted her to come home. She had let her daughter go to the school-sponsored dinner. This was probably more because of Sarah's stubborn insistence than anything else.

But that didn't satisfy Sarah. After the dinner, she was going to the Prom "after party" and if it meant defying and hurting her mother, so be it.

Looking back on that incident a couple of years later, after her mother's death, Sarah once remarked to me how she now regretted that something so petty had come between the two of them. But at the time, going to the Prom "after party" was just something she wanted so badly.

It's not surprising that the Prom becomes a source of conflict between parents and kids.

On the one hand, for teens, it's one of the most hyped events of a teenager's life in North American culture.

For concerned parents though, there is good reason to be wary of the Prom. The Prom (see the Anatomy of the Prom at http://www.soundvision.com) includes sex, drugs, alcohol, and rockn' roll.

Prom night is the night many young people decide to lose their virginity.

It's the night many youth get so drunk, they cannot remember who was with them and what they did on Prom night.

It's the night youth may try their first joint of marijuana or "celebrate" their high school graduation by getting extra high on drugs.

In some very tragic cases, it's also the night some youth die in alcohol-related traffic accidents.

The Prom is not some fairy tale graduation party. There are dangers for all youth, but especially Muslim youth.

Parents have a responsibility of conveying the reality of the Prom to their sometimes star-struck teenagers, who are caught up in the Prom hype with the rest of their friends.

Sound Vision spoke to a number of Muslim brothers and sisters about how parents can deal with the Prom. Below are some of their and our tips and suggestions.

Tip #1: Start early

"If you're talking to your kid in March of their graduating year about why they should not want to go to the Prom, then this is not the time for a rational discussion, this is the time for damage control," says Shaema Imam, 22.

The Prom hype is a yearly occurrence. If youth don't already know about it in primary school through television and magazines, the beginning of high school is where they will almost definitely be confronted with it.

Grade seven is an ideal time to start talking about the Prom. At this point, your son or daughter is still young, and Mom and Dad still have some influence on them.

The talk should not be harsh, confrontational or accusatory. Rather, it should be educational. In a straightforward way, parents should discuss what the Prom is, based on correct information, and then point out what's wrong with it.

As well, parents should remember that the objection is not to teenagers having Halal fun. It's to the other elements present at the Prom.

Tip #2: Provide a Muslim environment

This means ensuring young Muslims are surrounded by and befriend other practicing Muslims of their own age.

When it comes to the Prom, very often the deciding factor in whether a youth goes or not is what friends are doing.

"I would say most guys would follow the group," says Shadi Sakr, 23.

If the youth has no Muslim friends, he or she will not understand why they were allowed to do other things with their non-Muslim friends, but they cannot go to the Prom.

"Kids will say ‘why did you let me play with these people and sleep over with these people and party with these people and then all of a sudden you're forbidding me to participate in this. It's the same thing," says Imam.

"You have to make the kid establish a bond with other Muslim kids," says Ali, 21. "The person has to belong to a group."

Maintaining a Halal home environment is also part of this. For the 99 percent of Muslim children in North America who attend public school, the home is usually their first and at times their only source of Islamic information.

The home has to become more than just a crash pad where parents and kids eat and sleep in between going to school and work. It has to become the place where kids learn about and love Islam so they can carry this on to the rest of their lives.

Tip #3: Practice what you preach

Encouraging your kids to hang out with the "Muslim crowd" will have little effect if you as a parent are surrounded by friends who engage in unIslamic behaviors or do not practice Islam.

Kids learn by example, and seeing their parents interact with friends who are practicing Muslims will provide an incentive early on for them to do the same.

Tip #4: Provide Halal Alternatives

Parents have to understand that Mike or Fatimah will be depressed, in most cases, if they do not go to the Prom.

That's why parents must provide Halal alternatives (see Alternatives to the Prom at http://www.soundvision.com).

"It's all a matter of being with people you spend time with," says Amber Rehman, 21, who did not attend her 1996 Prom.

This, of course, does not have to be on the same night as Prom night.

Establishing an alternative does not start one week before Prom night.

It begins years in advance, with sports and social activities being organized for Muslim youth at the community level.

"The [Muslim] community has to provide an alternative support structure for the Muslim youth because we are social creatures and we need to interact with one another. If we don't have that fulfilled in the community then we're going to go outside the community to find it," says Yahya Abdul Rahman, a former Protestant minister who embraced Islam seven years ago.

Although he was not a Muslim when he graduated from high school, Abdul Rahman did not attend the Prom dance because it was against his principles as a religious Christian at the time (see one former non-Muslim's perspective on why he did not attend his prom.)

However, his religious community did have an alternative: a banquet where graduates were recognized for completing their high school studies.

"You felt very good that here they are they're acknowledging you. You felt that some people cared and they were sharing in your accomplishment," he says of this activity.

Tip #5: Make your kids "school smart"

Parents need to familiarize themselves with the public school environment as best as they can.

In many cases, Muslim parents don't have a clue about what goes on in public schools, since they did not grow up here.

They need to speak to an older, practicing, Muslim youth who has gone through the school system and get the scoop on public school life.

Better yet, they should get this person to become a mentor for their son or daughter (the mentor should be the same gender as the child). By the time the Prom rolls around, you will have the perfect person available to explain to Ammar why he can't go to the Prom.

Tip #6: Familiarize yourself with the Prom

Islam stresses the importance of acting on the basis of accurate information, and you should try to do the same with the Prom.

Talk to the above-mentioned older Muslim youth. Talk to the school's administrators and the Prom committee to find out what exactly is being planned.

This way, your son or daughter won't think Mom or Dad is a hysterical parent, but a well-informed one. This increases the likelihood of your kids listening to what you have to say about the Prom, and your concerns.

Sakr says if he were telling his son or daughter not to go to the Prom, he would "just [tell] them all these stories and I would explain the whole environment or atmosphere of the Prom."

Explain the dangers. Tell them even if they don't drink, their non-Muslim friends do. This could mean car accidents. For girls, this could mean sexual harassment and even worse, rape.

Talk to them about Islam's prohibition of not even going near fornication and adultery, and that the Prom environment facilitates that.

Talk to them about Islam's prohibition of not sitting at a table where alcohol is being served, even if you don't drink.

Be calm. Otherwise, you'll be perceived as trying to simply scare them with histrionics.

Make it clear that you are not against them having fun, as long as this is done in a Halal manner.

Tip #7: Appeal to their conscience

In discussing the Prom, it helps to stress individual accountability to Allah.

Yasmeen should be reminded that she is, from an Islamic perspective, an adult, and is fully accountable for her actions in front of Allah.

If this is done in a rational manner, and along with outlining Prom night dangers, she may think twice about attending the Prom.

Tip #8: Ask WHY he or she wants to go

Many of us, whether we grew up in North America or the Muslim world, do not question why we engage in the social customs or practices we do. We unthinkingly engage in the same cultural rituals without giving them a second thought. The Prom is an example of this.

By asking your teen why they want to go to the Prom, you will be able to figure out what angle to approach the subject from and adjust your talk to them accordingly.

For instance, if the motivating factor for Ammar in going to the Prom is to be with friends, discuss your objection to the Prom from that point of view, explaining your reservations are not about being with friends, but rather the environment in which the Prom takes place. Perhaps you can also discuss alternatives.

Tip #9: Make Dua (supplication to Allah)

"Never underestimate the power of Dua," Imam Siraj Wahhaj of Masjid Taqwa in Brooklyn, New York once said.

Sakr's case is one practical example of that.

"My mother said when she was right in front of the Kaba that she made Dua I would not go [to the Prom]," he says. His parents went to Hajj that year, and returned a few days before his Prom.

Sakr went from being on the school's Prom committee, to dropping out but still insisting on going, then finally not going at all.

If you are not going to Hajj this year, don't lose hope. Allah is All-Hearing and All-Seeing and all power is in His Hands. You can make Dua to Him at almost any other time.

Tip #10: Talk to them after the fact

If you're teen goes to the Prom despite all of the above steps you took to stop them, don't think that all is lost.

Discuss the Prom with them after the fact. Ask them if they really achieved anything from going, what they felt while they were there, and if it was as great as they thought it would be. Most importantly, listen to them attentively, don't scold them.

Doing this after the fact is a very good way to help them avoid such parties in the future. Some youth may just realize that the Prom really was a bust and decide to never attend something like it again. Congratulate your teen for coming to that conclusion and support them for it. Don't keep reminding them of their mistake in attending their Prom.

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH PROM:
Anatomy of the Prom: What is it about?
The Prom Exposed: Seeing it for what it really is
How to Say No To The Prom: 6 tips
Why I boycotted the Senior Prom? Dawud Wharnsby Ali
7 Prom Tips For Teens
10 things you can do besides go to the Prom
7 Things Muslim communities can do about Proms
10 Prom Tips for Parents
[Discuss Prom in our forum]

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